It happened again.
I came home with the article from All The R.Age and showed my mum the little write up about my blog on their Blog Watch column. Mum was really excited about it and I can’t blame her for showing it to my father. But then again, I wanted my father to know that my blog received a mention in the papers; even if it is only distributed in campuses, whatever his reaction was. He seemed pretty nonchalant about it.
Then he came down for some soup and asked me, “Jo, can you stop blogging?”
I looked up at him with eyes akin to an animal caught in the headlights.
He is worried again with the exposure that I was getting from my NS blogs. He said that I’ve worked so hard(did I?) to get to where I am today and he said he doesn’t know how far this will go. I don’t know if what I wrote was detrimental towards the government but if that’s what my father thinks is best, who am I to say anything to go against his words?
I told him I’m not sure if it really deters people to avoid NS. He said, “Then don’t play with fire if you’re not sure how to.”
He doesn’t want me to go on taking the risk and there could be a possibility that the authorities MIGHT not like what they see and initiate legal proceedings against me. His rationale is that I can not afford to have a black mark in my records especially when I am only 18.
Perhaps alot of you might think I’m exaggerating but we do know that there IS the possibility that my national service blogs will not be accepted by the government.
And yes, my dad reads every single letter that I sent home. That was something that I could not avoid. He did say that I write well but he was not happy that it was in a negative sort of way. He said that I can write my blog in an autobiographical sort of way and go all out as long as it doesn’t harm anyone but then again, my NS stint was a life experience for me, Hmm. What my dad meant was that I should not be writing against intitutions.
I know it’s weird that I agreed to delete everything. Strangely, I don’t feel THAT sad. I liked the fleeting fame my blog entries received especially when the likes of Kenny Sia, TV Smith and a host of other big bloggers who shared my blog with the rest of their worlds. I felt really happy when I saw my hits soar up during that short period of time.
I reached an all time high when Melody smsed me on Thursday morning saying that my blog was featured in All The R.Age. I was quite discouraged to see that my hits were actually deteriorating and I now get an average of 320 a day compared to the 1760 unique hits I received when Kenny blogged about my national service blogs and his thoughts on the programme. Thanks to my National Service entries, my incoming links have reached 180.
After awhile, I felt that the hits I was getting from my national service blogs were not genuine enough for me to appreciate them. It’s only because people are curious about national service which is why they read me. I started to wonder, “Will people still be bothered to drop by after the entries end?” I can easily rattle of a list of a few of my good friends and readers who became friends who will constantly check up on my life, wondering if I am eating well, sleeping well, shitting well etc but when you get a sudden surge of 1760 hits … I know this is stupid lah, but it’s heartbreaking to see your hits declining.
Besides, I felt that the magic was over. My friends complaint that I was losing my original style because of my barrage of NS entries.
Those who matter have read my NS entries, at least a few, if not all. You know what happened. Thank you for reading me.
Though I have 11 more entries to go, I decided to stop at Day 39 and delete everything before that. I’ve saved it of course and if any one of you wants to read it, you can just drop me a line at jolenelai@gmail.com. Yes, it’s still dangerous because you never know who’s behind a screen name but at least I can control who reads me.
I would like to apologise to all who have linked to me, telling your friends about my NS blogs. I feel as if I’ve left an empty hole in your blogs. My apologies to All The R.Age as well. It’s not even a week since you’ve given me some exposure.
Those of you who read my entries would know that I had a hard time dealing with my camp mates’ attitudes. But you know, my NS entries had a happy ending. Really. Like every other story. The last line of the entries would have been, “So kids, go for NS. It will be fun.” Thought I could’ve been some NS evangelist or something. Eheh.
Day 2 :Finally
Day 3 :There’s a Bitch Already
Day 4 : Homesick But Surviving
Day 5 : Racial Integration Classes
Day 6 : Making Friends With A Fellow Banana
Day 7 : Adjusting But Satisfied
Day 8 : The Recreational Buddhist Who Has To Refrain From Bitching
Day 9 : Finally Chilling
Day 10 : I Can Be A Security Guard You Know
Day 11 : Unleash The Bitch In Me And Dorm Politics
Day 13 : Racial Integration, It’s Working!
Day 14 : How A Boring Saturday Can Have So Much
Day 15 : No Manners
Day 16 : Living Together
Day 17 : Of Paper Planes and Fried Toes
Day 18 : Racial Harmony
Day 19 : Chosen For Merdeka March!!!
Day 20 :The Physical And Mental Module Rocks!!
MERDEKA: NS HABIS DAH!!!
Day 21 : My Sufferings: Bitches and Menstrual Woes
Day 22 : I Was On TV!
Day 23 : Getting In The Mood
Day 24 : Creative Sports and Water Confidence
Day 25 : A Barrage Of Physical Activities. Owww~!
Day 28 : Adapting, adapting.
Day 29 : There Are Real Bitches
Day 30 : The Retaliation
Day 31 : Finally On The Flying Fox!
Day 32 : When the Skies Are Grey, The People Are Happier
Day 33 : Sometimes Muhibbah Is Unfair
Day 34 : Character Building Graduation Night!
Day 35 : Deep Down, I Am Jungle Joe
Day 36 : On A Lazy Sunday
Day 37 : The Sacrifices We Are Forced To Make Just To March For Merdeka
I’ll Be Marching.
Now the original Little Girl In A Reverie will resume.
In loving memory…
William Oct 21, 05 Delete
Yeah Jolene, I am sad that you deleted them as well, I dare say I read through all, and the politics and some of the people are what I encounter in the army too.
William Oct 21, 05 Delete
What ever is the use of reading it out when you can have experienced people like NS men to tell you?
And please do not compare M’sian NS with Spore NS. Its only 3 months, here is 2 years, and in my time I injured myself several times. Read my former posts to see what I mean.
Jayelle Oct 17, 05 Delete
leng: Oh dear! u poor thing.. the worst scenario is like yours..having to come back from another country.
listen, i still have 11 entries that i have not converted to blog entries yet(still in my notepad), do u want those as well? i didn’t get to finish NS because I had to come to Kedah to do dentistry. only did two months of it but i hope to get an exemption;)
Leng Oct 17, 05 Delete
Hey i feel really disappointed when i know u deleted those NS entries.. and the worst is i have never read any one of the entries.. and now i think i am desprate to read one.. Cause i live in singapore as a permanent resident being picked to attend NS in the year 2006.. NOw i panic about what is it all about!! I feel great when i found ur blog but its a waste i didn’t get to read the NS entries.. sob sob.. now i really have no idea what NS in malaysia is all about.. and i dunno how to speak in malay!! What shld i do? Haiz… But anyway i got a little ideaof what its about thru ur site!! Great site u have.. keep it up!
Jayelle Oct 14, 05 Delete
wan: i know. that’s what my dad thought as well. 🙂
Wan Zafran Oct 13, 05 Delete
That’s the safest, and probably best way to go, girl. You don’t want to mess up your life by going against our ever-“democratic” government’s wishes.
Cheers.
davidteoh Sep 22, 05 Delete
i think you should have kept it.
but then again, i haveto say you should comply wt your parents wishes.
best of luck
Jayelle Sep 22, 05 Delete
yuin: thanks wei..:)
eyeris: ahakz,. it’s a repitition all right. he doesn’t mind me blogging about myself, i suppose. *shrugs*
munsta: wow..thanks for looking it that way.:) like I said,it was fun while it lasted! glad you stayed around for the read.
simon: 🙂 i’m only an email away. still got all of it stored if anyone’s interested.
c.ho: that’s why..i’m not willing to take any risks.
c.ho Sep 21, 05 Delete
well, up to you. if you want to risk it.. then go ahead. but it’s a risk. so, really depends on how much of a risk you’re willing to take
simon Sep 21, 05 Delete
aaaah… you’ve deleted them all… i really enjoyed them, but you know, you’ve got to do what is necessary. if anyone i know has to got thru NS, now i can’t tell them to read here… too bad.
munsta Sep 21, 05 Delete
Your NS blogs were an interesting, refreshing and honest take of the programme…an account which laid out your frank opinions on a myriad of issues, both good and bad. To me, that originality, coupled with your healthy doses of humour and wit, makes this blog a worthy read indeed.
eyeris Sep 21, 05 Delete
hmph. Here we go again… it’s just bad luck that your father always seems to only see the bad side of things… oh well, that’s what dad’s are for i guess…
yuin Sep 19, 05 Delete
i’ll still be reading this blog 🙂
Jayelle Sep 19, 05 Delete
kervin: i’ve been reading about the things that happened to those SIngaporean bloggers and I do get scared.. My father has this way of instilling guilt in me and I myself cannot predict what will happen to me right?:( But thanks for the words, it made me feel better:)
din: yeah, but when I get in shit, they’ll still have to know right?
nameandreas: eheh thanks andreas.:) it was fun while it lasted. but it would have gotten boring eventually.so no loss.:)
thefirstchristmas: .. sorry for asking, but do I get paid? nah, just kidding. I don’t want to be a hypocrite. Maybe if I send them in anonymously. But if it’s like xfresh whereby I’m just sharing my thoughts with the community, i think i can do and already did it with my own blog. Thanks for the offer anyway!
Laine: ah, well. 🙁
eve: thanks for the support girl:D i’ll try to keep writing. it sucks not having a regular internet connection. like some freelance internet user. 🙁
c.ho: ehehehe i know even if i blog things like, “Iwokeupandbrushedmyteethtodaythe end..” you’d also support me!!:D ehe, dunnolarh. dunno what will happen so better dun do lorh. right?
Seige: right, but what happened to SIngapore? do they have a censorship policy on THEIR internet? yeah, but if I DO get myself into a meddle, I can’t afford the time and the energy to get myself out of it. I have to admit that some of my posts did sound a little racist. just A little.
meldee: ahahah..what pinnacle? was nice to see my name in print though. *SIgh* yeap, and i love all of u just as much:) i’ll just resume my quiet life as a diary blogger. wahhahahaha.. like so action like that. I JUST WANT TO GET A FECKIN CAMERA AS SOON AS POSSIBLE..ARGHHHH.. take care, woman. will return to civilisation soon enough.
tinkertailor: u think so?;D
tinkertailor Sep 19, 05 Delete
a real pity.
meldee Sep 19, 05 Delete
darling, you rock whether you’re in the papers or not. i’m sure all your blog readers (and not just us, oh, only your oldest friends!) love you, even when all the NS entries are gone. they don’t define you, and yeaaaaah…hehe. they did get a little tedious after a while. but chin up, dear girl, you’re reached the pinnacle and gracefully stepped down from your throne before you got chucked down the hard way (not that I hope it would happen!). *hugs* come back to ‘civilization’ soon 🙂
Seige Sep 18, 05 Delete
That’s… not fair…
The Msian government has a no-censorship policie of the internet, And I think there’s really anything they can do with what you write about. It was publish not too long ago in the newspaper.
You shouldn’t worry about something that isn’t well established yet. One person you might want to seek advice on such issues would be JeffOoi.
Blogging is a new thing and has a huge impact on how the society thinks. Hence all opinions are welcomed no matter how wrong or right they are.
I’m saying all this because I’m totally against deleting entries just for fear of legal actions which doesn’t exist. You should put them all up.
c.ho Sep 18, 05 Delete
as you know jo, i have been reading your blog from goodness knows when la.. so, let me affirm that not everyone who reads your blog was due to your NS posts. I read cuz you write. And i love what you writee!! ehhehe..
oh.. and don worry la.. ppl stop reading cuz your NS posts stop. then it’s their lost. Just glad you’re back to blog!! missed youUuUUUUU!!
hmm.. i sometimes think that the m’sian govt could take things in a lighter manner.e.g. maybe they could take your views and use them as a guide to improving NS huh?. nvm la. at least i read them all.
eve Sep 18, 05 Delete
Hi! I’ve been reading your blogs everyday, yup, got to know ur blog fr kennysia.com. But i like your blogs and i’ve been reading all your archives too. anyways keep blogging, i’m a fan! Cheerz!
Lainie Sep 18, 05 Delete
:/
That’s so unfair.
thefirstchristmas Sep 18, 05 Delete
Send your entries to me.. and I can get them featured at http://www.yes2ns.com.my. If you’re up for it. I run the site. The site is uncensored, and acts as an ‘unofficial’ complement to the official site at khidmatnegara.gov.my.
Mail me at methoxyfactor [at] gmail.com and we’ll take it from there. It needs content and real life experiences from people like you. 🙂 cheers!
NameAndreas Sep 18, 05 Delete
Sad that you did it, but I understand your and your dad’s reasoning. It was a good write-up, so, becuz it helped others to understand where they are heading. I think it was the first time, someone wrote seriously about the “trenches”. It is great that you offer the write-up to those who are interested. Keep it up, you are growing and maturing with each day!!!!
Din Sep 18, 05 Delete
oh man….not again, it was because of parents i moved to a new domain. why don’t you do that too. at least when you are at college/university you can blog elsewhere.
Kervin Sep 18, 05 Delete
I’ve been reading your entries from your Ns stint and yes I think you write well. Maybe that’s the conundrum, always afraid that what we say or write especially online may cause someone’s ire, moreso the authorities and I guess it’s a little sad that reality dictates that such happens. I admire your decision and how you handled it, as much as the time you wrote about your dad confronting you and asking you to stop blogging. Again I will say that you shore a measure of maturity that many of us find amazing, truly I hope in future great things will come by your way, truly. Keep on writing, maybe you’re destined to become a writer someday. Hats off to you.