3am. Half an oral biology chapter, one microbiology and one dentistry chapter to go.
Of course, when you’re supposed to be studying, your mind drifts away and you start to think about your day, your week and the coming days.
My coming days won’t be very different from the rest. That’s for sure. A Nescafe ais bungkus from the canteen, glupping it down before first period but still sleeping throughout the class despite sitting in the front row. I can’t help it. If you’re asking me to sleep early, that can’t be changed either.
I feel that these days, my skills in the dental simulation lab seems to be deteriorating. I’m not sure if it’s the height of my chair that’s blocking my vision, the adjustment of my simulated patient, the scratches on the mouth mirror, the change of burs(and i twisted one today.:( )or maybe because I feel that my glasses are more of a hindrance than an aid. I don’t know what it is but all I know is that I’m losing that little bit that I’ve gained in techniques this year. It’s so frustrating because I could always finish my restorations in time before this. I feel like such a failure. The most frustrating part of it is not knowing what it is that’s causing me to be less of a dexterous dentist to be. (please let me pass 2nd,3rd,4th and 5th year.)
Exams. Finals. Approximately 300 chapters all together. 6 weeks. Let’s not even go there.
I’ll be going to Penang this weekend with my family, I hope it won’t make a dent in my studying. I do feel bad about being away this weekend though as it is Lie Yuen’s birthday on Saturday. I hope my classmates will do something for her while I’m away. 🙁
I’m quite upset about a good friend of mine who intimidates me every so often despite enjoying each other’s company the rest of the time. For many years, occasionally, we have arguments. And I’m usually the first one to apologise even if it’s not my fault. But this time, I refuse to. I absolutely despise being given attitude at. Maybe I don’t see reason and rational in the things she did for me but I was being my light hearted self yet I was given attitude at.
I admit that I’m pretty bothered by it. I try to change. I’m trying to refuse to acknowledge the resentment in me. Even if it’s over a few sentences. Yet they bothered me. She’s the only one who has that effect on me. Well, maybe she, my dad and sometimes my boyfriend. Sometimes Lie Yuen too. My mum seldom scolds me, so she’s off the list.
I guess it’s people whom I hold dear to my heart that hurts me when they tell me off. You know, tears and all.(haha Lie Yuen, give you another…1 year to reach that level! I haven’t cried because of you yet!:P)
Speaking of intimidation, I lose all sense of articulation whenever someone intimidates me. I’m not very articulate to begin with. Yes, I might have alot to write as you can see on my blog, but I’m not that great with words verbally. It’s like there’s a thick cloud in my head causing me to be less spontaneous when I speak. I stumble for the right things to say, I mispronounce, I have a super thick Malaysian accent bordering on Ah Lian-ness and ohmygod I mumble so much. I wish I could pronounce better. I really do.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s because of the misalignment of my jaw/teeth that is causing me to mispronounce. I mean I don’t have a lisp and I CAN pronounce my R’s and L’s..it’s just that I can’t pronounce “th”. It’s most embarrassing, given the course that I study, I pronounce teeth as ‘thief’. Or hath as “haf” … the list goes on and on. The whole trick is to stick your tongue between your front teeth, my mum says. I can’t help if when there’s a gap between my upper and lower teeth.
However, when I feel more superior towards another person, I become very articulate. It’s strange. When I receive attitude from somebody, I get nervous and I start stuttering. The person will then become bitchy and bossy and go, “Hahh?!?”. I got that alot back in national service from my scary camp leader. I suppose it’s like me being impatient towards people who are damn bloody shy and mumble and mutter, almost as soft as the whispers of the wind.
Sigh. I hate feeling intimidated, you know. I feel suppressed.
I would say that I’ve overcome a few levels of intimidation in the past few years. I used to be very scared of official sounding people on the phone. My friends and I used to call it my phone phobia. During one Interact project where I needed to collect empty Esprit bottles from Coffeebean, I was stuttering throughout the phone call and got so nervous and immediately hung up. I didn’t even dare make reservations for the badminton court at my club back then when my friends and I wanted to go play during the school holidays.
Can’t remember how I overcame that though. I sound quite articulate and professional, if I may so myself, when I make calls to official sounding people (ie. those working for big companies, posh hotels, retail outlets etc). I just wish I can apply it to more aspects of my life.
Intimidation…nervousness….lack of articulation…you know what I think? I think I lack confidence.