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Intimidation Will Be The Death Of Me

Posted on June 5, 2007February 8, 2008 by Jolene

3am. Half an oral biology chapter, one microbiology and one dentistry chapter to go.

;\

Of course, when you’re supposed to be studying, your mind drifts away and you start to think about your day, your week and the coming days.

My coming days won’t be very different from the rest. That’s for sure. A Nescafe ais bungkus from the canteen, glupping it down before first period but still sleeping throughout the class despite sitting in the front row. I can’t help it. If you’re asking me to sleep early, that can’t be changed either.

I feel that these days, my skills in the dental simulation lab seems to be deteriorating. I’m not sure if it’s the height of my chair that’s blocking my vision, the adjustment of my simulated patient, the scratches on the mouth mirror, the change of burs(and i twisted one today.:( )or maybe because I feel that my glasses are more of a hindrance than an aid. I don’t know what it is but all I know is that I’m losing that little bit that I’ve gained in techniques this year. It’s so frustrating because I could always finish my restorations in time before this. I feel like such a failure. The most frustrating part of it is not knowing what it is that’s causing me to be less of a dexterous dentist to be. (please let me pass 2nd,3rd,4th and 5th year.)

Exams. Finals. Approximately 300 chapters all together. 6 weeks. Let’s not even go there.

I’ll be going to Penang this weekend with my family, I hope it won’t make a dent in my studying. I do feel bad about being away this weekend though as it is Lie Yuen’s birthday on Saturday. I hope my classmates will do something for her while I’m away. 🙁

I’m quite upset about a good friend of mine who intimidates me every so often despite enjoying each other’s company the rest of the time. For many years, occasionally, we have arguments. And I’m usually the first one to apologise even if it’s not my fault. But this time, I refuse to. I absolutely despise being given attitude at. Maybe I don’t see reason and rational in the things she did for me but I was being my light hearted self yet I was given attitude at.

I admit that I’m pretty bothered by it. I try to change. I’m trying to refuse to acknowledge the resentment in me. Even if it’s over a few sentences. Yet they bothered me. She’s the only one who has that effect on me. Well, maybe she, my dad and sometimes my boyfriend. Sometimes Lie Yuen too. My mum seldom scolds me, so she’s off the list.

I guess it’s people whom I hold dear to my heart that hurts me when they tell me off. You know, tears and all.(haha Lie Yuen, give you another…1 year to reach that level! I haven’t cried because of you yet!:P)

Speaking of intimidation, I lose all sense of articulation whenever someone intimidates me. I’m not very articulate to begin with. Yes, I might have alot to write as you can see on my blog, but I’m not that great with words verbally. It’s like there’s a thick cloud in my head causing me to be less spontaneous when I speak. I stumble for the right things to say, I mispronounce, I have a super thick Malaysian accent bordering on Ah Lian-ness and ohmygod I mumble so much. I wish I could pronounce better. I really do.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s because of the misalignment of my jaw/teeth that is causing me to mispronounce. I mean I don’t have a lisp and I CAN pronounce my R’s and L’s..it’s just that I can’t pronounce “th”. It’s most embarrassing, given the course that I study, I pronounce teeth as ‘thief’. Or hath as “haf” … the list goes on and on. The whole trick is to stick your tongue between your front teeth, my mum says. I can’t help if when there’s a gap between my upper and lower teeth.

However, when I feel more superior towards another person, I become very articulate. It’s strange. When I receive attitude from somebody, I get nervous and I start stuttering. The person will then become bitchy and bossy and go, “Hahh?!?”. I got that alot back in national service from my scary camp leader. I suppose it’s like me being impatient towards people who are damn bloody shy and mumble and mutter, almost as soft as the whispers of the wind.

Sigh. I hate feeling intimidated, you know. I feel suppressed.

I would say that I’ve overcome a few levels of intimidation in the past few years. I used to be very scared of official sounding people on the phone. My friends and I used to call it my phone phobia. During one Interact project where I needed to collect empty Esprit bottles from Coffeebean, I was stuttering throughout the phone call and got so nervous and immediately hung up. I didn’t even dare make reservations for the badminton court at my club back then when my friends and I wanted to go play during the school holidays.

Can’t remember how I overcame that though. I sound quite articulate and professional, if I may so myself, when I make calls to official sounding people (ie. those working for big companies, posh hotels, retail outlets etc). I just wish I can apply it to more aspects of my life.

Intimidation…nervousness….lack of articulation…you know what I think? I think I lack confidence.

11 thoughts on “Intimidation Will Be The Death Of Me”

  1. eve says:
    June 5, 2007 at 9:17 am

    Hi Jolene! Hey i feel the same way too..
    i easily get nervous whenever i talk to a more superior person or anyone who just raise their voice slightly higher..
    its like an invisible shield just automatically appear around me and i will shrink and hide in it. and i will start to stammer and can’t really form proper sentences or my brain will just go blank.
    🙁

    jo: yeaaa..especially the raising their voice part. ;( yeah it’s like the ability to defend myself just melts away…

    –

  2. s0hp0h says:
    June 5, 2007 at 12:43 pm

    i get dat too.. tend to always rush like a bullet train when speaking so that they won’t be able to focus on what I’m saying.. lol.. then it ends up them saying, i dun get it.. sigh, then have to repeat.. just making it worse..

    now dat U say it.. I think friends like that are everywhere.. it’s either u being superior, or the other person being superior.. heheh.. i also refused to give in at one point because i just don’t see how it’s my fault.. stubborn me.. but turns out quite good though.. we are still friends and we noe each other’s limits..

    hopefully urs turn out good too cos i’m sure u dun wanna lose such good friend.. ^^

    jo: HAHAHA yayayaya..i do that with my father alot too. I become very vague…and mumble..and then he gets more angry. 🙁 haih, tough life. yeah i suppose.;(

    –

  3. c.ho says:
    June 5, 2007 at 7:29 pm

    just keep forcing yourself into situations you hate being in and eventually, you learn that stuttering gets you no where but misunderstanding and repeated conversation and to frustration. hey.. you know.. you sounding articulate to official ppl’s a milestone.

    heck, I still lose it sometimes.. lol.. just talking to even the plumber on a bad day and I sound like an incoherent idiot!

    try doing what i do. I totally stop the conversation, take a deeeeeepp breath, and start from the beginning, giving thought to what i want to say, speaking slowly even if it is needed..

    lol.. sounds a bit redundant that i totally stop a convo just to start from the beginning huh? imagine.. babble babble babble.. *silence* .. “okay.. what i meant was.. yada yada..” good grief… my sisters call me blonde just cuz i babble.. >

    jo: I so get the stopping convo part!! i have to do that sometimes too!!

    –

  4. sewjin says:
    June 5, 2007 at 9:38 pm

    if we could speak like we write.. then we wouldn’t be blogging anymore. at least I wouldn’t.

    jo: set la. I think i finally got an idea what to do when i make an audioblog via skype with u.

    –

  5. Jen says:
    June 5, 2007 at 11:23 pm

    everyone’s like that i suppose. just master the art of not showing how nervous you really are to others. gah.. i’m sometimes so reluctant to signal for the bill from a waiter. how sad.

    ditto sewjin.

    jo: easy to say..:) hahahahha MY brother had that problem when he was younger

    –

  6. nazlihaffiz says:
    June 6, 2007 at 8:50 am

    Live for yourself, not others. To hell with what other people think, that is my motto. If you think you’re right and you know whut you’re doing, then by all means do it.

    Perhaps you think too much in situations thinking is a lot less needed.

    Go to the Nike store and Just Do It!

    (My comment has nothing to do with the promotion of any sporting goods companies.. LOL).

    Got my e-mail? Perhaps you should check your gmail’s spam box?

    Cheers!

    jo:ehhe difficult for me to live by those rules. I care about what others think. difficult to break out of it. 🙂 yeah received your email! sorry for the long ass one that i bombed back!

    –

  7. twinbuzz says:
    June 6, 2007 at 4:33 pm

    Hey Jolene,

    I’ve been coming over to read your blog lately, more often now that the exam period is here. It’s funny, but you almost speak the words that I am afraid to say or write. But I guess if someone doesn’t say something, then everyone else will be left in the dark, wondering if there are others like them.

    ,br>

    jo: hahaha using my blog as a tool to procrastinate eh! wise choice..wise choice..;P 🙂 i never knew i wasn’t alone in this…. 🙂 glad to know that there are people who have these difficulties like me out there.

    –

  8. entwined says:
    June 6, 2007 at 4:53 pm

    🙁

    i feel the same. sometimes when people we care about scold us for something we never did (or they misinterpreted our actions/words), then i get very hurt and insecure. then the mental block to defend myself comes into play. so i just usually withdraw and stay silent instead of trying to explain.

    🙁

    and i only think of good comebacks hours later. damn frustrating!

    jo: it’s hurtful. 🙁 hahaha yaya like when kena bully that time right, after awhile only can think of good ways to kick the bully’s ass..:P

    _

  9. MY says:
    June 9, 2007 at 4:29 am

    Hello, Jolene. Didn’t read your blog for few days coz the internet connection at my place “sot-sot” so I cannot go online.

    Don’t be intimidated by anybody or anything ! Have confidence in yourself. Don’t care about what people say coz most of the time they are jealous and feel insecure about themselves if they make nasty comments. It takes someone brave like you to put up funny pictures of yourself to make people laugh. Laughter is the best medicine. If you dare to poke fun at yourself, it shows you have a big heart coz you dare to laugh at yourself. Not many people are willing to laugh at themselves, you know. Keep laughing and we will laugh with you.

    “Ka yau” for your studies and don’t stress yourself out by worrying so much about your exam. As long as you have done your part by revising and practising, have confidence that you will do well. Sometimes we do not succeed with just one try. We must know how to pick ourselves up again and keep on trying; don’t give up. Btw, you only need on try to pass your papers with flying colours. 😉

  10. MY says:
    June 9, 2007 at 4:32 am

    It’s supposed to be “ONE try” in my last sentence and not “on try”. Sorry for the typo. Don’t have “Because I’m your Girl” video also I cannot see properly. 😀

    Ka yau !

  11. Vincent says:
    March 31, 2008 at 12:28 pm

    Know your rights .. then watever ppl say .. u wont be intimidated..
    Know the human rights
    Read the rights from here…

    http://www.un.org/Overview/rights.html

    It is Universal Declaration of Human Rights. Most of them are applicable in Malaysia unless there is conflict with federal constitution.

    http://www.suhakam.org.my/en/act_597.asp

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