Weng Lum, a dear friend of mine, received a call from Astro On Demand today to come in for auditions at the Astro headquarters.
He was extremely shocked because he has NEVER ever ever applied for anything like that and out of the blue, someone calls him on his phone asking him to come in for auditions for Astro on Demand. It did cross his mind that someone was playing a nasty prank on him but when the person on the phone introduced herself as Yo-yo, he was more than convinced that it’s TVB related.
He speculates that he might very well be the next TVB star. So those of you who know Weng Lum, do call him out for more yamcha sessions soon and rekindle your ties with him so that you can properly brag that you’re a close friend to Lok Weng Lum, that hot new TVB star.
I think It is time to give Weng Lum a nama England that will stand out among the sea of TVB actors. With names like Evergreen and Ellesmere already being brandished about, I think.. hmmm…. Wingham Lok Weng Lum would go down well. These TVB stars do have a tendency to give themselves nama England which sounds similar to their chinese name. Wingham Lok, it is!
I told him that I don’t care, he must take me as his date for all the TVB award shows in the future. Splashed across the tabloids would be headlines stating something about A Mystery Miss X Accompanying “Lum Chai” To The TVB Awards. *nods* That’s the plan.
He was saying that he had to speak in Cantonese to the Yo-yo lady on the phone. Just like me, his cantonese packs up, slams the door and leave whenever he gets nervous or when he is speaking to strangers or when he gets intimidated. So he’s really worried if he can make it through the auditions, IF he goes.
I told him, no worries. Those teen girls totally dig guys who speak cantonese in a ‘chau yam’ way. They’ll be like, “OoOOOOOOOoHhhh.. ABC chai!! Hou tak yi ahhh!!! *squeal*” and download like a million of Weng Lum’s photos into their computers. See how hot stuff Daniel Wu is and Edison Chen was. Weng Lum will be of the same breed.
He told me to calm down because most probably he’ll become a kelefeh only. I told him, ALL THE BETTER and PLEASE have more emotions in your eyes! Those TVB kelefehs all need some good bitch slapping to regain some soul in their eyes and stop the monotonous bullshit. They need to be taught HOW to act. Weng Lum would be a breath of fresh air to the legions of pathetic kelefehs.
So say if he gets a Waiter role and he is to serve Bowie Lam’s character, he should totally take matters into his own hand, forego the script and put on his most angry look and seethe menacingly, “LEI KONG…*squinty eyes*….LEI OI YAM HONG CHAU??!????? HOU!! NGO LOR PEI LEI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”Â Â Translation: You said….*squinty eyes* …you want to drink red wine?? FINE!!! I BRING FOR YOU!!!
Even if he gets thrown out of the set, the directors might keep him in mind for a future role. Rapist ke..crazy man ke.. at least something right?
When I go back for the holidays, I’d better bring him to alleys with dead ends to perfect his Running Away From Baddies scene. Make sure he gets his wall-scaling, rubbish bag falling and sticks throwing skills honed to perfection.
Then I must teach him how to shout “TIM KAI” to the heavens followed by a “TIN AHHHHHHH!!!!!!”. Hopefully I can find places with railings for him to grip when he shouts. The railing should preferably overlook some city skyline.
This will then be followed by a series of kissing lessons, the slow and barely touching graze on the lips to the full on head turning and twisting kind of kiss. (think Bosco Wong and Linda Chung in Gem of Life. Funniest sex scene, EVER.) Practice on mannequin lah of course! Crazy ah! Later Chee Kiang scold!
Then if the show he is to act in a little less conservative, then must teach him to position a girl properly on his half naked chest which is ALWAYS, ALWAYS covered by a bed sheet. Sigh and smile, take a puff from the cigarette and blow out the smoke with his teeth clenched together. Smile again with a conniving smile. Half his lips curl up in a sneer. That’s for his baddie role.
If he’s a good guy, he would hug the girl tightly, rub her while the girl cuddles into his arms a bit more with a happy sigh.
Must train to make an ANALOGY out of every single thing in the world.
While playing snooker and talking about love: “Kam Cheng hou chi tuk por gom myong…” Translation: Love is like playing snooker……
Tryhing to give advice about something while in the kitchen: “Lor yi gor peng gor lei gong… yi gor lei ng chit jor hei, lei ng wui chi tou yi gor ping hai lan jor geh..” Translation: Take this apple for example…. if you don’t cut it, you won’t know if the insides of the apple is rotten or not.
TVB addicts would know what I’m going on about. 😀
Edited: Oh, Weng Lum was saying that most of his friends just scoffed at him and he was like, “Wait till they see me in Gem of Life 2!”. So I came up with a brilliant story line for him. He’ll come back as Shun Shun, who didn’t actually die and ready to take on Miracle! (Ho Fung’s company). Ada Choi will be old and wrinkly then. The sad part is? Weng Lum doesn’t even watch Gem of Life. Sien.
So just you wait, Weng Lum could very well be the next big TVB Star.
I asked him to go snap a photo of himself with his most canto face EVAR.. and he reckons this one has a bit of canto flair to it, with the hair parted at 45 degrees.
He’s still undecided about the audition. I think he should go! What about the rest of you?