Stumbling out of bed this afternoon at 1pm(Life is good like that during study break weeks), the headlines “Thin Dream” made me pore over the papers even before I had my strawberry milk and maggi mee combo.
1 in every 10 girls are suffering from an eating disorder eh? 9 in every 10 girls probably want to though, but haven’t the guts. They’d love to lose weight but they know better.
I’ve seen a junior back at school who went from just a little bit chubby to obviously anorexic. It wasn’t a pretty sight, but people have been saying that she’s looking much better since her anorexic phase a couple of years back. Maybe she’s one of those lucky ones who managed to stop in time before going all cachexic.
I grew up reading UK and Australian girly magazines well before the birth of Seventeen(Malaysia Edition) and it wasn’t until I was about 15 or 16 when I realized that hey, Cleo isn’t only for old women. Reading magazines like Girlfriend, Bliss, J-17, Dolly…it educated me a heck lot about anorexia and bulimia. You read about girls dying, girls recovering, things like BMI, binging and the likes. This was all before I sat for my PMR.(read: before i got fatter).
But it wasn’t until I did an English presentation on Anorexia and Bulimia with my classmate Lydia(silly girl went off to do medicine at IMU) back in year 1 that I started to really understand the difference between anorexia and bulimia. Despite looking at photos of girls who looked like skeletons with skin merely draped on, it didn’t really turn me off from wanting to be slimmer. Well, one thing’s for sure, I definitely don’t want to have two empty pouches hanging from my chest with my ribcage being more prominent than what was previously my boobs.
Sunken eyes would definitely NOT be a good look for me. Dah lah my eyes so small already. Later I become like Lord Voldemort. I’d have to take up Braille classes. Plus, I have a longish face. From childhood photos, it is evident that more meat around my face(like now) is definitely a better idea than having a skinny face. I could do without the double chin though.
Which makes me wonder if liposuction would be a good idea? I can’t be chewing gum all day to lose weight around my neck-jawline area. But you know, I’ve heard of people dying from liposuction complications. Eurgh.
It’s depressing to see your tummy covering 1/8 of your thighs. On bad days, the part where my legs begin is totally obscured. It makes me pound at my tummy in frustration, especially when I’m studying. And then I suck it in and a fold of fat plops out mid torso. Because of this, I have a fold mark that looks abit shiny because of the stretched skin. I used to show how scary my torso looks like to Chien back in A-levels.(in the toilets of course). And she would scream and say, “WHAT’S THAT LINE?” and to muka maintain abit even though I was very embarrassed, I proudly said, “That’s where the fat folds!”
“Babes, you’ve got a third boob there alright,” she would laugh and laugh. Aye, aye.
Things are so bad that I can’t even wear my bikini without having second thoughts. I mean I’ve never been extremely skinny since I bought my first pair of bikini but yet I had no qualms blubbering about in them(with tummy sucked in of course. Those who have seen me in bikinis, YES, that was tummy sucked in. T_T). These days, I get so self conscious that I keep telling myself to make a trip to Speedo and get myself a nice pair of tankinis. No one piece for me though. That’s the female equivalent of the male’s Speedo. All your flaws are seen in a more than obvious light. At least with bikini, naked skin is not as tell tale as lycra. Resorting to tankini would mean a chapter of my youth has closed. I don’t see how my body can get any sexier now that I’m crossing into my twenties. Isn’t it all downhill from here?
Exercise…right. I hate running. I really really hate running. Blame the school’s cross country marathon for killing my enthusiasm. I get stitches very easily. I can do sit ups and jump ropes though. But that gets very boring. Hence, the only form of exercise I truly enjoy is swimming. I think I lost quite a bit of weight back in 2004 when I could do 20 laps(up and down an Olympic sized pool) a day. That was also a time when an olympic sized swimming pool was only mere minutes away from my house.
Furthermore, I don’t want to tire myself out during this critical period. So I just lead this sedentary lifestyle of sitting in a chair for hours on end and sleeping at 6am, waking up for lunch and repeat process. It’s not a good idea to lose energy doing something else when all my energy should be channeled into my books. Contrary to most studying habits, I hardly snack. Maybe a milo packet drink here and a piece of Disgestive biscuit there. And of course, lunch and dinner. It’s not like I do any snacking in between. I’ve even taken it a step further by preventing myself from getting anything sugary(Coke, sweets, chocolates) or fattening(crisps and stuff). So this means that there are no snacks for me to binge on during my peckish moments. I need to stock up on fruits though. Sigh.
Yeah, before I deviate any further, I have to admit that on more than a few occasions, I’ve actually given thought to being a bulimic. You know, just sticking your finger down your throat and throwing up whatever you eat. However, my fear of vomiting is too great for me to even dare to take the first step into the world of bulimia. This is coming from the girl who only puked ONCE in the past ten years. This was when I had bacardi, vodka, wine, beer, tequila and all with an empty stomach safe for a tiny cupcake during a friend’s Merdeka party last year. I had the worst feeling ever when I went home and puked twice in the toilet bowl that night. I never ever want to drink alcohol again. Even when my family open bottles of wine or pass around a few cans of beer, I scrunch my face in disgust. Alcohol makes me feel nauseous. Even if it’s only a sip. Maybe because it’s like, conditioned learning? (You know, like the taste of alcohol=vomit later.)
So that’s good, that’s good. I hate alcohol and I don’t smoke.
Oh, if smoking doesn’t give you lung cancer and makes society frown on you, I’d probably resort to it to get my weight down. But as usual, it’s just another one of my silly thoughts. Nothing that I would ever dare attempt.
As for being an anorexic, I can never have the will power to stay away from my meals. I can’t skip meals because…well, because I get hungry. You know, like sometimes in the middle of the night, you feel hunger pangs and you hear this trickling squeaking noise, like liquid passing through a very tight channel at the back of your throat/head?Â I wonder what that is. Gastroesophageal reflux perhaps? *shrugs* I can never allow myself to go hungry no matter how much I hate my excess weight.
I won’t say how much I weigh but I could do with about 10kgs less. I’m about 169cm. 5’6″ or 5’7″. I’m not too sure.
As for dieting, I’ll do that less carbo thing soon. After my exams. My dad said that it’s not wise to go on a diet during the time leading up to my finals. Why give your body extra stress? True, true.
If ever anyone dares to ask me if I am pregnant, I will curl up into a ball and have a good cry before launching into a very rigorous diet+exercise regime. 😛 Say only, don’t know whether can or not.
Here’s to being skin-nier! Not skinny, just a little bit less fat. Cheers! *clinks glass*
p/s: more updates soon.. i myself can’t believe how little I’m blogging. I thought I blog more during exams? This is too weird.
10 thoughts on “Oh Yeah, I Echo That Dream”
im gonna go on a diet too =(
i’ve promised myself to start tomorrow but… argh, i’m pretty weak-willed actually.
oh and one more thing, becareful of the consequences of dieting, it’ll most probably make your boobs smaller. (i’m thinking of a way to prevent it!!)
jo: hahaha.. yeah, i know, but i guess just a little less meat here won’t hurt.:) sometimes being slightly flatter makes you look less bulky.Â
i know i’m probably the last person to be calling myself fat but i used to be quite meaty back in college and i lost a lot of weight ever since exams. my friends said i seemed to shrink everytime they see me. but it’s unhealthy lor after a while u kinda hate food wtf.
jo: hopefully this round of exams can do the same for me.:D
cheers to being skinnier! 🙂 ooh i have that same feeling too everytime i try to skip a meal. hee.
jo: ehheh guess we are never meant to be anorexics eh!
this whole weight thing drives me bonkers.. i swear I am on the verge of being on an eating obsession-.-“(read: disorder). pressures of society.. and me being a conformist or rather not strong enough to resist conforming:P
although i fear being fat.. i wouldn’t want to be too thin either.. man.. the boobs just go when you lose weight.. i want to maintain some boobs too laaa.. so, my consolation for having some fat? i have boobs!
jo: yeah… that’s what i’ve been told. meh~~..
i dont mind if my girl has a spare tire =)
but that’s just me..
jo: we need more men like u around.
Whoa so tall. Go model la
jo: dunwant la.. fat what, how to model?Â
Aaah, a topic close to my heart. 😉 I used to be ..overweight too, and it became a fact that dieting seemed to be a lifelong battle. But well, I have shed off those nicknames such as ‘plump’, ‘fatty’ now, but, I have also come to terms that I will never be SKINNY/stick thin. But y’know what? I don’t want to be skinny… I am healthy, I have curves, and that’s all that matters. And should matters. 🙂
jo: 🙂 i suppose someday i will too.
why oh why do us “plump” girls suffer from the same evils..
i’ve put on weight sinc starting med sch… (!!!) was thinking of losing the weight after my finals tho. yesh, ur dad is rite, preparing for finals is very stressful ade, shldnt do a diet now…
and i hate running too. arggh.
the only sport i enjoy wud be swimming. but i dont think its making me lose any significant weight. sigh.
whatever. i’ll debate on what to do after finals. heck. haha.
jo: hahaha maybe i’ll up my routines. add sit ups with swimmings! yeahhhh..
Hey Google “Velvet d’Amour”
jo: i can’t quite decide how to respond to you. i hope i’m not taking it the wrong way..=) i’m not into pluz size modelling.
i can relate. ever since i was 10 i’ve never been considered ‘small’ (except in form 2-3 when i used to exercise and diet excessively). i guess im not exactly ‘fat’ fat, but having big hips (i blame it on my punjabi genes..haha) and an ample bust does not help and having ‘friends’ who teased me bout being ‘fat’ is not so good too 🙂 sometimes i look around and there are so many super-slim girls around and i wish i was slimmer, but at the end of the day, i think it’s wat inside that matters the most 🙂 and of cos, if i’m slightly ‘chubbier’ than most, but healthy, then i don’t see being ‘voloptuous’ as being a problem. think of it this way, we’re not fat, we’re PHAT 😉 God bless!
jo: haha yes babes.. i know… voluptuous and stuff.yeahhh..:) but sometimes you just grab that flab around your waist and feel so upset.;( I’m sure in time to come I’ll feel happier with myself..:) Glad that you’ve successfully done so!