To Emo At 2.45am

Sometimes I believe I am the worst person I know. Most unkind, cruel and unrelenting. I was never this person. I used to let the entire class borrow all the colour pencils from my pencil box and it would all go missing and it was okay. That has always been the act of naivete I compare with whenever I look back on my primary school years, a time when I was timid and submissive. 

I changed when I entered high school because I was at that age when I needed to create an identity for myself. But fortunately for me, that identity stuck but sometime between form4 to my college years, it toned itself down and I matured a little. I was loud but I was not that crazy 14 year old who went around slapping boys’ backsides and grabbing other girls’ boobs just for shock value for the surrounding friends. No one sued me, everybody had a good laugh. 

Being assertive is a good thing. But sometimes, when is too much? I am more scathing and I get angry easily. I believe I do get angry for the right reasons too because where there’s smoke, there’s fire. Where there are stupid people, I’ll be there bitching till the sky falls down.

Should a person spoil my day and maybe a few consequent days after that, I put on a really vocal show to my friends about wanting to make that person regret his or her actions and maybe even vow to arrange for actions to be taken against that person. But in the end, I couldn’t do it. Somewhere deep inside this bitch that I am, I found myself wanting to give a chance. Not that I’m expecting the person to change because she never will. But I don’t want to take away something that I still don’t know the importance of because I’m not out there yet. One day I too will depend on something and I can imagine should that be taken away from me, I would be broken and broke. Karma is an ugly thing. So I’m just going to leave it for now.

Sometimes when people have taken steps to cross the boundaries set by the judging and invisible hands of their friends, what should the friends do? Turn a blind eye? Would I understand and do the same if I’m in a similiar position? I mean who are we to judge. We might do the same too. We might.

Envy. I am envious. I do wonder if the same will happen for me. But how is it done? When it actually happens, do you roll your eyes even though for years you have told yourself that you want it so badly? Will it even happen for me? What’s the purpose of it when the answer is already as obvious as day?

Somedays I think, when will I stop ordering this plate of chicken rice from the same chicken rice stall? I love it so much. The soya sauce bathing the slices of steamed chicken, with cucumbers of random bitterness and a bowl of soup that is always there to wet my fragrant rice with. I know I sound like some Amy Tan knock off but bear with me. When I see it, I want it. But sometimes Bak Kut Teh is more enticing. And so many other selections at my favourite foodcourt. I will always go back to my chicken rice at the end of the day because I enjoy slurping the skin. Yes I slurp the smooth chicken skin, it is THAT smooth. You should try it if you have the chance. Sometimes the Bak Kut Teh aunty will look at me with a bit of sadness when I walk pass her stall without buying anything, but I am like that, I love chicken rice too much.

But taste buds are a funny thing. Sometimes they may want to have yam cake for lunch instead. Sometimes if I’m rushing for time, just a char siew pau. I know I don’t make sense but I know precisely what I am talking about. 

Sometimes I just run out of ideas and I wonder what this means. If I try, it’ll come out wrong, if I don’t, I’ll just hate myself for not making the effort to.

I wonder if I’m the only one.