Not A Clown On Demand

I was actually going to write this entry for R.age but I thought, meh, this blog could do with some long needed contemplative posts.

What is irking me today is not of any recent event, but just an accumulation of incidences here and there. I know I’m this shameless girl who has no qualms about putting a smile on her friends’ faces if it means to be as disgusting as disgusting can be. (PET PET! Say PET PET with me! .. alot of people can’t bear to utter those words).

Those who only know me through my blog would not understand how disgusting I am. I really don’t go ALL THE WAY with my disgustingness on this blog. Haha, I know it is hard to believe. My real life friends would attest to this. They would tell you that I’m very much more reserved on the blog than I am in real life. (Oi, real life friends, leave comments and confirm it! *fishing for more comments;p*) Have to lah, later my father make me close down my blog.

Okay.

I’m glad my friends find me funny, when we have the usual yamcha banter over teh ais, there’s no barrier, there’s nothing to hold back. Or maybe even when the lecturer’s not looking, scribbling something naughty or forming something that represents something naughty will bring giggles to my friends.

I admit. I took on this attitude back in high school and realized that being like this, I could maybe get more friends. I was tired of being timid and shy. I needed to be bold and most of all, funnily disgusting. After awhile, it became a nice addiction to see my friends laugh at my antics. I’m happy that they are happy. But really, I’m the happiest one because they will laugh with me.

Sometimes, I just get so tired when friends ASSUME that they can just turn my antics on. There’s a time and place for everything. Some friends don’t even have half the brain to know how to choose their audience for me. Like for example, a friend would go, “Jolene!! Tell them about your laisi in Tesco story!!”.. and I’d be staring in embarrassment at his or her parents. I’m just giving an example lah. Close enough lah.

It’s like YOU don’t choose to have people laugh at my jokes, I do.

I amplify my ways to make new people feel comfortable around me and especially around a bunch of quiet people. Sometimes I even sacrifice a part of me by revealing too much just to make everyone laugh and feel like they’re having a good time. Maybe I’m at fault as well for bringing this onto myself. But it doesn’t take that much grey matter to make sense of situations. Don’t assume that I’m like that 24 hours. I’m not. If we’re just a little bit more than strangers, maintain some space. If I’m being very ‘open’ and disgusting when you first meet me, it doesn’t mean that I’m like that all the other time. Respect me, please.

Back to the audiences part. I really hate it when my friends choose to share my jokes with the wrong people. I wouldn’t want them of all people to think of me that way?? Especially if his or her religion and the jokes I crack do not go hand-in-hand. I need to order some brain substance for some people. Arghhh. Sometimes, I might even get in trouble for having made such statements. Did some of my friends even think of that? NOo.

I kind of hate using the word ‘jokes’.. I’m more of an ‘antics’ type of person.

I’m not a freaking clown. I’m just a very happy girl(when I’m in a good mood) and just like any other person, I have my latent phases(that’s it, too much of microbiology). I am not a bloody duracell bunny expected to perform on demand.

While I’m flattered that those friends appreciate my jokes, I really hate it when they make use of it the wrong way. I hate to be “pai seong toi”(canto translation: put on the table. Which means ..like, exposed to great danger? i don’t know. Haha.) and be expected to entertain. I will on my own accord. Just let me FRIGGIN warm up to the people okay? I of all people would know WHO appreciate my jokes and who do NOT appreciate my jokes. Crap, there I go again..I mean antics!!
If I like you, I’ll warm up to you. What the fuck happened to the polite barrier huh? Don’t I get to build my own polite barrier? Thank you for breaking it down for me, so kind of you. I’m not ready for other people to think of me like that. You know that I’m like that in the name of fun. What if other people think I’m really really like that?

Gosh, infuriating!

Ah, feeling better now. As always, my cryptic rants are never about ONE particular person. 🙂 Just the many people who piss me off. Which I’ll still accept and love as friends after a good rant.

By the way, I think this is a good time to post this poem up on my blog. I wrote it almost a year ago and had it up on the blog my girlfriends and I share(nyeh nyeh, it’s a secret blog. You don’t have the password nyeh nyeh!). Just so you know, I’ve totally gotten over whatever that I was feeling back then. 🙂 The feeling might come back again in the future, in a similar situation or a totally different one. Well, it’s up to you to decipher the poem. Chop it up as you like. 🙂 Hope the lot of you can relate to it. I love writing poems when I’m feeling very strongly, emotionally, about something.

And it’s NOT about being a girl okay.
Little Daisy

Little daisy, you may be taller than most of the common weed in the field that grew with you,
Tall enough to catch the pollens casted by their prettiest flowers which grows in that same field.
You may look different, perhaps slightly, than the common weed and that’s why you were special enough,
To make the passing wanderer take a closer look.

Little daisy, you may not have the vibrant colours of a petunia nor the fragrance of a rose.
Nobody picks the common weed to be displayed in a slender vase,
If ever the chance came for you to be sent to a shop which sells flowers,
You will only be there to beautify the bouquet of more exotic choices.

Little daisy, look around you, you are standing taller than most of the common weed.
Some plants are meant to be daisies, and some destined to be flames of the forest.
Some through biotechnological engineering to become an exotic kind.
You, little daisy, will continue to sway with the common weed.

Little daisy, you may be able to catch pollens from the beaitiful flowers,
But none will grow on you.
The same bees which suckle on the sweet saccharine of the tiger lilies,
Can never find the same pleasures in you.

Little daisy, you don’t have to feel hurt that you are plain,
The plainess will protect you from your greatest fears.
When your colourful friends get devoured by caterpillars and beetles,
You will continue to sway and stand slightly taller than the common weed.

Little daisy, I have already told you that you are taller than the common weed,
How are you not satisfied with that?
Do you want to be the most colourful flower in the entire field,
And bask in all its short span glory?

Little daisy, for the most colourful flower in the entire field,
Will be constantly pursued by many.
Little daisy, then you will never get to dance to the whipers of the wind again,
For fear of breaking your precious stalk.