When I Have A Son..

I’ve always imagined my first child to be a girl. How I would put her in the cutest clothes, buy her all the pink toys in the world, tell her that she shouldn’t follow her mother’s foot steps in making Barbie and Ken “doing it”(pfft, that was back in 1996. Yes, I was 9. So?), buy her the biggest doll house and revive the wonderful memories of ‘masak-masak’ with her.

But that is so cliche, don’t you think?

There’s a 50% chance that I COULD have a boy as a first child. The more I thought about it, the more excited I got.

There are so many lousy men in the world. Men who don’t carry books for girls, men who don’t insist on paying, men who don’t suck up to people’s parents, men who don’t offer to walk girls home, men who don’t ensure a girl’s safety etc.

My son will be different.

From the tender age of 4, I will train him to become the sweetest little boy ever! Most probably he will  be in his first year of kindergarten. Nursery class, that is. He won’t be one of those little boys who pull girls’ hair to show his affection. He will sing oldies to her. Which means lots of oldies will be played over and over again in my house.And by oldies perhaps I mean songs from the late 90s or 00s. BSB, Westlife, Blue etc. Hehe. He won’t be one of those who sings “fatty fatty bom bom, ju li ju li jagong” to chubby girls. Hell no.

I will encourage him to befriend every single girl because I know how horrible some boys can be when they don’t want to ‘friend’ certain girls just because they are not cute enough. I will encourage him to be nice to the cry baby girl in the class by asking him to make sure that she is alright(by asking her if she has enough biscuits to eat, stand up for her when other boys bully her etc) and most of all, walk her to her mother’s car after kindergarten everyday. Must remember to say hello to Aunty also.

He will not be one of the boys who step on girls’ shoes or laugh at a girl who is crying. Instead, he will take tissue paper out from his pocket and pass it to the sobbing girl. To add effect, maybe I shall supply him with a nicely pressed hankerchief every morning. Maybe not me, the maid perhaps. I don’t know if I have time to do any ironing at all when I’m in my thirties. Heck, I’m not even in my twenties and I am already a busy student who has no time to bathe(But don’t worry, I still do.). Haha. He will then proceed to give the crying girl a hug and tell her that “It’ll be okay!” even if he doesn’t know why is she crying.

Come primary school, he would’ve known a few things or more about how to treat a girl. On the first day of primary school, he would smile and introduce himself with a firm handshake and a bright smile to everybody whom he meets. He will not ignore them the following day. Be it a boy or a girl.

No, he would not think that a girl is not capable of taking care of herself but he will offer his help and be pleasant to girls, that’s all. If a girl falls down and hurts herself, he can either help to wash the wound by pouring water from his water bottle or better, piggy back her to the PBSM room.(Red Cross’ clinic to those of you who forgot what PBSM stands for.).

My son will engage other little girls in interesting conversations about his dreams/nightmares of big hairy monsters with gallant heroes who save ladies in distress. They will listen in awe and be amazed with his story telling abilities that they’ll even use his dreams/nightmares as storylines for their role-plays. I will be the mother who reads to him fantasy stories every night with the most animated of expressions. He will also be a funny little boy who tells jokes to make people laugh, not the type for people to laugh at others.

Naturally with such popularity, he will be invited over for festive house openings. He won’t reject these invitations because I will teach him that it is a form of courtesy to graciously accept invitations(that’s what my father always teaches me). I will make him bring biscuits or fruit baskets over to other people’s parents. I was thinking perhaps he should add a handmade card to it but that would be an overkill. I want him to appear like a little darling and not a flake.

I understand that little boys who hang out with girls too much will be regarded as a poof by his peers. I will buy him macho toys like guns and action figures and even Lego because that’s cool.(At least I hope it will still be cool by 2020). I will encourage him to play football with the neighbourhood kids in the evening(strange notion though as none of the men(father, brother, bf) in my life have the least bit interest in football) and perhaps even basketball. Suddenly, I’m thinking of some of my guy friends who hang out with their neighbourhood friends of all races back in late primary and early secondary in the field every evening for games and I think to myself, “That’s what I want my son to be doing for fun!”

If I do find out that he is fascinated by a certain young lady, I will encourage him to bring her little gifts. I will strongly discourage him from persuing his school teacher though. Maybe by bringing her little gifts that won’t be starkingly obvious but sweet enough like say, Mashi Maro erasers because her favourite cartoon character is Mashi Maro.(For the record, I prefer Hamtaro. But once again I have to say, I do hope that Mashi Maro is still loved after the year 2020. Maybe some other cute cartoon character of the future, who knows?). Maybe even make a small bag of cookies for her(he will have to learn how to cook. Can ask Aunty Su-Chien or Aunty Su-Hsien for help. Heehee.) and tell her that he was helping his mother in the kitchen yesterday.

If he is still in primary school, I will encourage him to bring a single stalk of rose for the girl on her birthday. If people tease him, let them, I’ll tell him. He will proceed to give a shy modest smile and just tell the other jeering boys, “It’s her birthday. It’s nice to receive things on one’s birthday.” He will also be the first person to start off the Happy Birthday song for the girl. 

I tell you…this little girl will remember him when she is 82 and on her rocking chair when her brain cells only remember things from 70 over years ago.

Come secondary school when his hormones will be in overdrive. He will like girls on his own without my encouragement. But he will not be one of those hopeless desperados who make a fool out of himself by begging the girl to be his girlfriend. He will have a “come what may” type of mind set. He will use back his old tactic that he used on his first day of standard one. He will use that pleasant smile and introduce himself with a firm handshake. He will just be friendly and be really nice to the girl. At this age, he himself should know how to “kau” a girl. If he doesn’t, I don’t know where to hide my face already after the many years of “intensive training” that I’ve given him.

Hopefully he will go to a school near our house. Even if the girls that he walks home with are not of his interest, he will carry their books for them and walk them to their doors. It’s just what a man should do, he would tell them. They would blush and all of them would have a crush on him. After that, he can go and play the equivalent of DOTA in the 2030’s with his guy friends to maintain his relationship with the guys.

I know I will be the mother who’ll have to pass the phone to him every night and say, “Boy ar boy, it’s a girl on the phone for you! Again!”  (eh, eh, but that’s damn old school. Even now, nobody uses the house phone anymore. He’ll have his own handphone or something more modern than an Ew-handphone-so-old-fashioned-lah.)

When he goes with a girl to McDonald’s or something for ice-cream, he will insist on paying for the girl. Once again telling the girl, “Haiyah, please, I won’t know where to hide my face if I let the girl pay”. (Hehe, this I quote from two gentlemen examples namely Mr.Nigel Ong and Mr.Calvin Ho.).

When my son can drive, he will know that he should offer rides to girls who have no transport home. I can only pray that he doesn’t find a girlfriend who makes him go through many tolls for every outing. But I’m not using the term “girlfriend” yet, just girl.friends. who need transport home. A one-off thing. That’s fine. A girl is too terrible already if she makes it a habit to get people to fetch her when her house is out of the way. So the problem will lie in the girl and not my son. My son will only play the gallant gentleman who puts the safety of his girl.friends. as a priority. I myself don’t rely on men for transport so if I have a daughter, I don’t expect her to. Her brother can fetch her. Wahahahaha.(But I will also give chance to her pursuers to do that obligatory fetch-the-girl-I-like-home thing.)

And lastly, my son will be raised with the intuition of a woman. He will know how to read girls’ minds and know when to stay away or keep them company. He won’t be one of those guys that girls constantly gripe at saying, “Guys can be so daft!”.

NO, he will not be a mummy’s boy. He will be a grandmummy’s boy!! Nothing makes a girl melt more than seeing a nice boy holding his frail old grandmum’s hand.

Hahaha, no lah, I am not stating my requirements of a dream guy, but my fantasy of molding the perfect gentleman. Besides, nobody is perfect in every single way as it’ll only take the fun out of being human.

However, in my conquest with this perfect gentleman son of mine, I am fully aware that he will need sisters. He will be the only boy in his family. The perfect combination will be an older sister and a younger sister for him. The older sister will teach him how to read the minds of women and know how to treat a lady. The younger sister shows him how important it is to put a girl’s safety first.

Here are a few of my observations:
Guys with older sisters are more of a gentleman compared to the rest. It’s true.
Guys with only younger sisters are very possessive, maybe because they are trained to constantly worry about their sisters and will apply it to other girls.
Guys with brothers – no need to say lah. These are the ones who’ll find a girlfriend and go, “Ohmigod, SO THIS IS A WOMAN. ARGH!”. But the more gentlemanly ones have their mothers to thank.