On the whole, I think I am generally quite a confident person.
Despite the numerous beatings to my self esteem over the past decade, I think I’m doing quite okay.
But here I go again sounding like a broken tape recorder:
I might not be your conventional beauty but I do not hide my face nor am I shy about what I am lacking/have too much of. What is the point? I’d rather be out there talking to my friends and meeting new people.
Due to certain efforts of mine over the past few years, I’ve been given the chance to do certain things that put me in situations to be scrutinized. Though these opportunities come with endless benefits, it also comes with criticism.
So what’s new?
About how I look again la what else.
I’m not actually bothered by it too much because by now I should have developed an immunity to being insulted for my lack of physical attributes.
I did an advertorial for Maxis back in November and I know, realized and was very well aware that all those other girls who did the advertorial with me are hot babes that I’ve never grown to become. But I have long overcome the fact that I will never be a stunner. I’m cool with it because for years I have made up for that with attitude. The criticisms that comes with it, the shamelessness that I ooze without effort, my bitchiness verbal diarrhea style and various other sohai things that I’m quite proud of.
So if you’re reading this and worrying about me, don’t. These are just my thoughts after having a long talk with a classmate of mine on MSN last night.
I let him see this forum where some people said why are maxis taking advantage of young girls to promote their products and while they are at it, why don’t they use better looking girls? Apparently I looked like a man in some of the photos lah. But yeah tell me something I don’t know. Most of them comments were about the way I looked in the photos instead of the actual product itself. -_-
During the event for the advertorial, there was a make over session. I know the make-up artist was being realistic but I just smiled politely when he said, “All of you girls have beautiful eyes! And Jolene, yours are curved downwards, so we’ll need to work on that.” …As it is, I was already surrounded by some of the most beautiful malaysian bloggers, I just didn’t need to be compared like that.
On Cindy’s blog when she posted her Maxis advertorial, there were some comments about how I was the worse looking one there.
A bit ouch for awhile but this incident today really stimulated some thoughts that need to be jotted down here. Now that I am older, I get over insults within 5 minutes. The usual feelings will be there for a while lah such as shallow breathing and a grimace on my face. Then I’ll be back to normal doing my own thing. 🙂
But I was not always like that.
Some of you might have heard this before but I shall take you on a journey down memory lane laden with events that made it clear just how the shallow society viewed me.
When I first entered secondary school, I was like any other 12 year old – boy crazy and naive. I didn’t think I was ugly and any guy who talked to me, MUST have talked to me because they liked me. All these incidents went into that stupid juvenile diary of mine. I had imaginary love triangles or even octagons for that matter.
But talking to that classmate of mine yesterday made me realize that I was not alone in thinking so. Children assumed that they are good looking until reality snaps. I posted this up on my FB status and received quite a lot of ‘likes’ which only further proved my point.
I was snapped out of my reverie on one afternoon in form1. I got to know this boy from my school via IRC and he was in form2, a year above me. And the rule still applied lah, since he talked a lot to me, something must be going on here! I heard from friends that he was on the lookout for a potential girlfriend and felt quite flattered that he was talking to me a lot online.
At this point, he has yet to see me. But me being the perasan kid that I was, thought he probably saw me around school already.
I walked by his class one day and heard the boys in the backrow erupt in laughter. I smiledin their direction and thought to myself, “Oooh…. maybe they are teasing him! Ooh!! So exciting!”
I was at my friend’s house a few days later and he was talking to her on ICQ. He said something like, “Oh the other day that Jolene Lai walked by my class and she smiled at me… ” I sat up straight, very excited to see what he was about to say next.
“I almost fainted ler,” he continued.
I was smiling to myself by then because he must have been blown away by my beauty!
“My friends said want to vomit lerrr she so ugly hahaha,” he went on to say.
The moment I saw that, I frozed. It was like I was slapped in the face. My friend tried to save the situation by telling him that I was actually reading the entire thing. He quickly said, “Eh eh just joking. Don’t smile lah next time k? You don’t smile okay one!”
I got on my bicycle and cycled home from my friend’s place with tears streaming down my face. I’ve not forgotten that incident at all. This guy was regarded as one of the ‘bad boys’ in my school and because of him, I never spoke to boys who had a bit of rogueness about their person. For years, I was pretty sure that they would not bother being acquainted to me as I was not up to standard.
For months after that I refused to be introduced to boys I met over the internet. Don’t worry for these were only boys from school. I was very sure that they would run away screaming when they saw me. I couldn’t take another blow to my ego.
Sometime in the middle of form1, a form2 boy named CX liked me but I didn’t really believe it because I was quite sure it was a horrible prank. He was a bad boy himself and he got a lot of flak from his peers for taking an interest in me. He wanted to join some gang at school and he was chatised for being a sohai and a wannabe for wanting to join that gang and ..on top of that, for liking that ugly girl called Jolene Lai.
I learned about all this in the form of an IRC transcript sent to me by one of his “pet sisters” who I supposed had a crush on him and was trying to hurt me.
A lot of girls had crushes on him and these were girls you would not want to mess with. They were the typical lala muis you would find dwelling in the back classes. Crude and distasteful types. They would scream at me from two blocks (of classrooms) away screeching things like, “CX GOT BAD TASTE!!!!!!!!” and glare at me when they walked pass me.
I was like wtf what did I do. In early form2, that chapter in my life closed. I started hanging out with people who were more open minded and were more into friendly conversations than stupid and juvenile boy-girl relationships that fizzle out within weeks.
I still had random people adding me on ICQ back then and claiming to like me and then after leading me on would say, “Aiyoh you so ugly go do plastic surgery first.”
While the kids around me became less mean as the years went by, it was made clear to me that I am really not the kind of beauty men would desire. When I attended interschool functions, boys would not be asking me for my ICQ number/handphone number. Boys from the other forms didn’t take an interest in me. There were no rumours about guys having crushes on me while my close friends were having boys falling for them right left and center. As a young teenager, these kinda emotions were hard to stiffle but I made up for it by busying myself with crushes and telling them about my feelings. 🙂 All rejected nicely, btw. They were all sweet boys.
By form5, I was pretty much already the girl that I am today. With a network of friends whom I can be totally myself with, enjoying the company of new friends who are just as funny as me and basically looking forward to life after high school.
Life after high school, meant the start of my blog. With my blog, I had something to back me up. Nobody judged me based on face value anymore. Friends of friends spoke to me warmly because they’ve gotten to know me ‘personally’ via my blog though I’ve not met them before. But as long as they were nice to me, that’s all I could ask for. Old acquaintances who would probably snub me because they are generally the arrogant type, spoke to me like an equal because they could connect with me after reading my blog.
This was of course back in 2005 when this blog of mine had more friends reading it. Now they are probably too busy and perhaps bored of me what with my lack of updates.
Eh let’s get back on track!!
So because I chose to make myself public, I opened myself to harsh criticisms from random passerbys who don’t even know me and just saw my photos here and got disgusted.
They would leave nasty comments about my face on my tagboard and kill my ego for a day or two. But I recovered fast.
One incident that was quite bad was the infamous blog post by another blogger girl who was mistaken for me at a blog meet and felt insulted because she’s definitely not as ugly as me. A blog post was written about the incident, someone sent it to me, I got hurt and the entire blogosphere went into a flurry as people got excited with the flame war that was going on. She and I are friends now and she’s not a bad person at all. Misunderstood and young and myself, sensitive and young as well. Hahaha. All water under the bridge. But this was a classic example of how society viewed me.
After relating all these to my classmate, he thought I was very strong and said some girls might have gotten a bit suicidal for being insulted like that.
Now that I am older, I know that beauty is subjective. Make-up helps and attitude helps a whole lot more. As long as you are comfortable with the people around you, so what’s a little comment from dimwit strangers? They just don’t know the substance that you have that makes you you. The qualities that you have that opens doors for you, it’s your own effort and if people who don’t know you don’t understand that, it’s okay. You’re the one reaping the benefits from such opportunities. So what if I sold my soul? My soul wants to be blessed with material things, so I think I should be happy doing what I do.
There are a lot of pretty faces out there with zero substance and that’s far worse than a plain girl. These girls get bitched about! Plain girls are just not talked about, so that’s better than being bitched about right?
I know I am not ugly when I have my better days, I’m just not what the media wants.
I’ll just have to take it with a pinch of salt and be thankful that I can get over insults fast and just go back to my usual hectic/mundane/eyebrow raising life of tvb drama watching, Chee Kiang missing, shopping, outings, Angel yearning, sticker selling, blog crapping, photos editing, facebooking, dentistrying and exam passing. Gosh my life sounds so boring. 🙁
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My junior from uni, Aimee Lee, blogged about this too yesterday. I quite like what she wrote and babes, I genuinely think there are no ugly women, only lazy women. Perfect example is the dental dinner pic! You look gorgeous there.:)
i think you are pretty inside out =)
jo: thank you Laine:) I’m really not fishing for compliments.. just trying to put my thoughts into words.:D
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We *heart* you Jo.
jo: hahaha who’s We? thanks YH. 🙂 I heart u too!
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well written! thanks for sharing =) you are prob one of the most confident persons i know and that makes you beautiful
jo: awww thank you eng hooi..:) I know confidence can trump most things. so it’s a good attribute to have.:)
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Not very beautiful at heart, they are.
And yeah, we still love you and will always camwhore with you. 😀
jo: 😀 so touched that you will always camwhore with me!! *hug*
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You have do have so much confident and I admire you for having so much of it! I wish I was as confident as you are.
jo: thank you didi. 🙂 just don’t care about society and have a daredevil attitude about life. but with brains la of coz.
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I really like how you nicely put those words that I have in my brain scattered all over the place about my look and experience with people too.
Its okay if I don’t look good in most people’s eyes, I’m very comfortable in my own skin and I have no intention to change how I look just to please people who doesn’t matter to me. Friends who love us will love us no matter what, kan?
Btw, we have similar eyes and I think it’s unique, not so “mainstream” wtf. HAHAHAHAA.
jo: 🙂 hehe.. thank you thank you. yes, if we can’t find happiness communicating with people elsewhere, we can always stick with people who make us feel good about ourselves.
LOL yes, yes. One day our eyes will come into fashion and we will be pursued to do commercials/modelling… too many jobs, no time to handle. 😛
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hey tats really brave of u to say tat. admire u for that.
keep going, girl! its always the substance tat counts in the end! as guys grow up and all the bimbo beauties start growing old, they will realise that having someone they could have a proper conversation as a partner is probably better.
love ur confidence 🙂 do take care!
jo: agreed! 🙂 a proper conversation is what keeps a man. they need that what with their prerequisite for beauty and brains.. but i think they’ll choose brains for the long run. 🙂
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it’s the confidence that make you a unique person. To hell with those comments. Beauty is not measured by physical but inner self too. You are so much better than those who gave you harsh comments. Besides, people who gave harsh comments are usually jealous of you. They have no life. Hence those comments.. And I think you are hottttttttt *pssss*
jo: hahha thanks babes. 🙂 I’m not sure if they are jealous of me..haha..but karma’s only going to bite them in the ass. Who knows, this could be my karma also.
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“Make-up helps and attitude helps a whole lot more.” this is so inspiring, woman. and it’s so true, i found your blog (even before i started studying here) way more fascinating than any of those “pretty” blogs. i’ve never had any man walked up to me asking me for my number back in school or here or wherever either. maybe it’s because of my skin my weight my face my ingrownhair or whatever but i’ve learnt to be thankful for a lot of things. afterall things like beauty, not only are they subjective, but they don’t last forever. call it cliche or emo or just plain bitter, but everything just turns to ashes in the end, so why fret.
jo: hey AImee! ur post was awesome too:) and thank you for the kind words. we’ll just have to count our lucky stars because we are already blessed with people who can see all that inside us. 🙂
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i am complete stranger.. but i read your blog quit frequent..
and i love your writting too.. Boo..
keep it up..
i am a ugly duckling too. T.T
jo:thank you Donna! remember, no ugly women, only lazy women. 🙂
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*claps, kowtows, salutes, standing ovation, hands you a trophy of awesomeness*
jo: hahha thank u ching.
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Hi Jolene
I’ve been a silent reader for a few years now and I feel like hugging you after reading this post! I really admire your courage posting this up. Must feel liberating. Love you and your blog to bits, I never fail to check it for updates. =)
jo: hey karmun:) thank you so much. It does feel liberating. I was actually hesitant about posting this up. Thank you for reading me for so long. 🙂
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Love this post. Also like the way you expressed yourself, I would’ve never been able to put it out so nicely! Have the same issues but not as confident as I should be. We shouldn’t let what others say dictate how we should live! Long live Jolene! 😛
jo: 😀 hey tanya…thank you thank you. 🙂 it’s all in the mind, just try to remember that all you wanna do is have fun and other petty things will seem insignificant.
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It takes someone of great caliber, internal strength, wisdom, and well-honed confidence to write their thoughts out the way you do, Jo. Thank you for writing this entry – I think in doing so you’ve inspired so many others who have been in similar situations.
And those who judge based on face value are intrinsically worthless anyway 😉
jo: awwww suanee.. thank u so much. 🙂 i never imagined that my thoughts can get so many feedbacks…
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very real post, jo. very real and very true.
such was our teenage years…
jo: =\ such was our teenage years.
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Oh well we plain girls have our plain lives to live which can be more fulfilling than those bimbos anyway because we actually use our brain. Have always admired you for your confidence and strength because for girls, it’s really hard to NOT be sensitive towards criticism on our looks..*hugz*
jo: ahah yes brain! brain is awesome. 🙂 thanks babes..*hugs*
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high school kids are very mean like that unfortunately, but u got over it tough, good for you! seriously la, any stunner will age and like be pressured to keep it up with plastic surgery and MORE plastic surgery, so seriously, who cares about the outside? People can be so shallow, but they’ll see the day when criticisms are laid upon them – be that they’re stupider or watever lol, (I always use this to comfort myself HAHAHAHHAA) No one is perfect (though we all know the ‘someone’ who just seems like they have everything ), so we can only be happy with who we are eh? xoxo
Jo: haha yeah..i believe in the saying “Imperfection makes a person perfect.” maybe self consoling also.. lol
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Oh Jolene, this post, which is really awesome btw, brought back too many familiar feelings!
I couldn’t help but to write about the same topic on my blog, I hope you don’t mind. I initally wrote a really long comment here but didn’t want to sound too whinyyy *shy*
jo: hey no worries babes.. at least it helps to stimulate some thoughts. that’s good! 🙂
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awww! i love this post =D i love you inside out outside in sideways side wtf
when we wanna go shopping together! i wanna go flea market!
jO: bwahahhaha..sideways? My pudginess ahh..:( okay set! will keep a look out for them bazaars.:D Don’t have to wait for me u know, u can go first!!
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*hugs* i so know how you feel. i was called ugly once twice in high school and i think i’m pretty much still affected by it. but soldier on and i think you’re getting prettier by the day! and should just give 2 big middle fingers up to those harsh boys. i bet they’re fugly asshloles *geram*
jo: *hugs* thanks Sarah. 🙂 You’ve also made quite a person of yourself and bloomed too.. I never got around to thanking you for including my sticker business in one of the KLue pages! Don’t know if you knew about that..:)
And… hahaha.. those harsh boys, i think you knew them too.
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hey girl! 🙂 such brave words, *hug* . Your confidence will bring you success and happiness!
jo: hahah thank you. sounds like a chinese new year greeting.
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Hi, I am silent reader 🙂
1) I seriously admire how sincere you are when you blog, it is not an easy task.
2) Fyi, you have been getting prettier as years goes by (not lying!)
3) And you have ppl that love you, friends that you can trust and bond with that money can never every buy…….
# External beauty is not forever, but if combined with internal beauty the impact will last forever. Without achieving internal beauty, external beauty is meaningless.
Beauty never lasts forever, but if there is inner beauty, it will shine through the skin and penetrate to the surface.#
jo: 🙂 What a touching quote. thank you so much! And your words really boosted my ego for the day. thank you thank you. 🙂
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to those who are born lucky, good luck. to those who aren’t, stop calling yourselves ugly ducklings when you’re too lazy to put any effort.
jo: hahaha..luckily it was you. if it was some anonymous commentator i would be like, “awwww why so mean.” tough love is your style:)
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Hmmm this post made me feel rather sad. I was pretty self concious when I was in school too. All the lovely girls at school were always the popular ones. But it is not necessarily true they were beautiful inside. In fact I remember some pretty ugly hearts…
I remember never being satisfied with the way I looked in college and university. Always trying to go on some diet or the other. To the point I became a little too thin? And still felt I was fat? LOL. That was pretty scary no?
But over the years I think how I looked mattered less and less to me. To the point that my close friends and family were rather worried! ^^ I now weight 18 kgs more than I did in University (well the lowest point)… yet no one would describe me as fat? Imagine how underweight I was…
(tho many would say I could lose some weight to look nice) ^^
Anyway my point is Jolene, beauty is really truly skin deep. No one can look beautiful on the outside forever. Be true to who you really are. *hugs*
jo: that sounds like anorexia that you just described! did u see a doctor?
Thankfully you’re okay now..:) Those crash diets are not healthy yeah. But it’s true..as long as you’re comfortable in your own skin and healthy enough, it should be good. 🙂 (i don’t know if I’m healthy enough though..sigh).
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love this post! i find it inspiring.. reminded me of my days back in high school. I used to look like a boy… then i started hanging out with friends that i’m comfortable with and things changed. so yeah, bout what you said about making friends that make you feel totally like yourself. important.
p/s: i always thought you were really cool.. u know la like how juniors look up to seniors. heh.. cheers!
Finally! Take that, all you pretty-doll worshipers! Lol.
I believe you have voiced out for many, many, many less-than-perfect looking babes out there, myself included. It helps remind us we’re not fighting social norm alone.
Way to go, Jo!
Continue to inspire more lives! (:
Hi Jo, U are definitely NOT ugly, in fact quite pretty, really. LOL
Hey Jolene,
Not sure if you remember me but I (think) you’ve sent me snippets of what you wrote for NS when I enquired about it some time back.
But anyway, I love this entry! Your blog has gotta be one of those rare ones with real substance. Keep it all up!
Sam.
Jo Jo,
You have always been the most beutiful girl in my life. Your talents, creativity plus your determination and tenacity to pursue your goals inspired me to achieve mine too.
Many people admire you for what you are and this is evident with the vast number of friends you have (we usually bet on how many people we meet in the shopping complexes, ya?).
You are my inspiration and I love you precious.
Hugs and kisses,
dad
Jolene, I’ve been reading your blog for ages and have never commented. But I had to ‘delurk’ just this once to tell you this is one of your best posts ever. You have written strongly and honestly about what is true and good. That last comment from your dad made me get all teary too! I can tell he’s a great dad to have.
I read Cindy’s post about her Maxis advertorial and the subsequent comments, and was enraged on your behalf. Your staunch refusal to let such things bother you is amazing. You are going to go so much further in life than she and other girls of her type ever will. They rely on shallow things to get by. How sad for them that they still have not realised it’s what’s on the inside that counts for the most.
I very much admire your confident, humorous and spirited approach to life. Keep blogging and keeping us entertained and inspired!