When I read that post on Suanie’s, I too nodded vehemently feeling exactly the way she feels. Not so much the being 27 year old part, but I do feel burn out in someway. No.. this is not another blogging-theatric about how I’m gonna close my blog down boohoo so this is goodbye.
Just that I know what it feels like to miss the way the words used to spill out. We were new. We’ve never had such an outlet before. Back then, my blog was like a large white sheet of paper that stretches on into the distance. I could scribble here and I could scribble a little more there. Five years down the road, along the paths of reminiscing in various blog entries about childhood past and nagging questions in my head, I’m sure I’ve written about the same thing more than once. Sort of like an old grandmother who repeats her story forgetting that she has told them once upon a time.
I think I’m getting there.
Back then, words flowed and crashed down, unstoppable. Like a waterfall from a mountain top. The feeling was glorious!
I didn’t have to apologize for my horrible abuse of the English language, idioms at the wrong places or the creation of my own strange words that I thought existed. It is very embarrassing to be told off for a grammar mistake or a spelling error.
Blogging these days feel like a tap which is clogged. Water comes out in spurts and falls messily around.
I envy people who can talk about their day in the most descriptive and engaging words. No photos, just words. They can place people and conversations seamlessly in sentences after sentences and still make it a good read. Why can’t I do that too?
I think I lost my mojo.
I want to regain that interest I used to have in the simplest things that went on in my life and then churn it out into something interesting. It was like making magic out of nothing. Prior to having a blog, I never knew that mundaneness can make for such entertainment.
I remember how I could go on and on about how I went shopping and came home, and then went out to McDonalds, went for my first driving class, went for my maths tuition…all this in one entry. How come I cannot do that anymore?
There was this stage where I felt guilty if I didn’t blog about every event in my life. I admit it sounds kind of pathetic now. The 17 year old me would be gasping in shock, accusing me of depriving priceless memoirs to my future generations. I blogged about every thing that sometimes my friends had to ask me to kindly remove a thing or two. Oh, how I hated it when people requested me to remove things off my blog. But along the way, I learned more about respect and self constrain.
I think I self constrained a little too much. I’ve no intentions of going back to the way I once was because as much as I miss it, I don’t think it is anything to be proud of.
Though I love all the things that come with blogging – the people you meet, the reading materials for your procrastinating needs, the readers, the way random strangers can answer your most difficult questions and later on, the material perks.
But I don’t know if I’m the only one, I cringe at the term bloggers. I am proudly one, yes I am! But I do cringe at the term bloggers. Granted that there is no other word to represent this community of people who record their lives in pictures and words and consequently gain a following of sorts, but somehow or other, the word “blogger” sometimes sound wannabe to me. People who can write and people who cannot write, people who take good photography and people who take self photography to crappy scratchy phone camera pictures, they are still bloggers. It is beautiful to be able to come together under one name but at the same time it just makes you feel awkward. What am I if I am not her?
I think about what I have become in recent years. I am no longer honest. I am not myself. It hurts to know that.
I then think about what I want to be in the coming years. Can I still take embarrassing photos of myself and call it a day? Have I not ran out of ideas already? Are bloggers inexhaustible?
One day, i will hopefully graduate and become a full fledged dentist. Though it is not in my nature to be arrogant but think about it, with a Dr. to my name, wouldn’t it be silly to still continue blogging in the way that I have grown to become? This so called blogger who fluctuates between days long hiatuses, a bit of advertorials here and there, photos of gatherings, pointless photos of this and that and desperate attempts to make strangers laugh. What am I trying to do really? Has my diary been reduced to something so superficial?
I want to stop blogging when I graduate.
I actually suddenly feel extremely sad as i typed the sentence above.
It’s not easy you know. Letting go of something that I have placed so much importance in. Even though blogging shouldn’t be considered a priority in the first place as there are far more important things in life to do like graduate from university and build a career. You have no idea how engrossed I have become, how superficial I have become because I have a blog. I used to be so proud that I have a few hundred readers but now I realize that it pales in comparison to what a blogger can actually achieve. I’m so pathetic that I even feel a flurry of excitement when some stranger tells me that they read my blog. I feel so pathetic that I have become this stupid narcissist. Though I assure you I have toned down quite a bit, you wouldn’t want to know how I was like in the last quarter of 2005.
I can’t believe I’m writing this out. I think I found the waterfall!
Spare me the talk about how blogging should be for yourself. Duh, if blogging was for myself, I wouldn’t have gone off to buy a dot com for myself. If I wanted to blog for myself, I can easily do that and go get a livejournal account or something.
I wonder how the bigger bloggers feel. Do you miss the person you once were? Does fame go to your head so bad like how that little bit (SO PATHETIC OMG) did for me? I scoff at my own narcissism. I despise it. I really do. I feel so so pathetic for thinking, “oooo….i wonder why they like reading me..oooooo..why is she staring at me? maybe from my blog? oooooooo”. But I’m learning to let those feelings go. I know where I stand. I’m grateful if the opportunities come knocking but really, I know what I’m worthy of. And it’s not much.
Another two years should be just nice and then I’ll take off. I’m tired of thinking of what I want to say that won’t hurt others, that won’t make people judge me, that won’t make my father call me up and scold me, that won’t land me in jail, that won’t ….make me sound like a complete bore. Oh god.
I guess sometimes I do feel as if I have reached my sell-by date.
Actually. I prefer to think of it as “I have a blog” rather than “I’m a blogger”.
I don’t even think of it as a ‘blog’ per se, more like my very own column outside the newspaper, where I can write about things that I wouldn’t normally write about at work. 😀
jo: i’ll drink to that! 🙂 blogger…the term is so overrated. One day I want to ask you about a certain famous Hong Kong star. wanted to ask you during the Nuffnang party but i couldn’t go.Â
–
Maybe if you can convert your belief/actions from blogging for other people or popularity or money (or whatever it is you don’t like why you’re blogging) into -> blogging for yourself/to keep in touch with friends/to make new friends. Perhaps your blog won’t be so attractive to as many people/your readers will decrease, at least you’ll still have the blog as your outlet for updates of your life/outlet where you can vent! I guess as a health professional, it won’t be so appropriate for your career (or at least for the patients under your care) to read/see some types of posts, so keep them private loh (or friends only) or something. I’m sure many of us will be sad if you shut down your blog completely!
jo: …it’s not easy. It’s very gratifying at the same time. Yeah…it’s very weird to be doing things like these as a health care professional. My father will be more than happy to know I’ve made this revelation. Hehe.. we’ll see. There’s always Facebook!
–
It’s been a long time since i have someone staring at me and go “ohh… are you nicolekiss”, given that i have not been in the country often enough.
i always feel like a fresh blogger, as the last thing travellers (who have the least access of internet) know is me.
but it is true that blogging tend to goes down the drain after a while (not that 1.5 years is a long time), guilt crept in once the site has been left for more than two days. but then i enjoy this sort of commitment, it puts me in place so that travelling doesn’t take over my head completely.
jo: Hi Nicole..thanks for dropping by. 🙂
I don’t quite understand the travellers part but okay..i sort of understand what you mean. 🙂
Yeah , why guilt when it’s your blog right? So tiring. ;(
–
I still remember your guest post at minishorts. That hilarious series of photos with bananas…
I suppose you’re right, this level of blogging (highly detailed, sometimes embarrasing) is not sustainable in the long run.
Oh well, we still have two more years to convince you to not shut down entirely…
jo: haha.yeah. i think the juice ran out already. see lah. don’t feel very inspired. I’m mostly…tired. Hey, it rhymes.
But thanks for agreeing with me. A friend said I lost touch. Which i don’t know if it’s the truth coz it’s probably coz most of our friends are no longer a frequent occurence on this blog that’s why it’s not ‘so interesting’ for my friends anymore. haih.
thanks Yee Wei. But like I said, Facebook will save the day.
–
Aw.. I think blogging is a 2 way thingy.. U want to express yourself and you want others to read. 2 way thingy.!
jo: Hi Dom..:) thanks, I think..yes, i think i know that.
–
Although I’m nowhere near the type of ‘blogger’ you are, somehow i can identify with this paragraph
“I remember how I could go on and on about how I went shopping and came home, and then went out to McDonalds, went for my first driving class, went for my maths tuition…all this in one entry. How come I cannot do that anymore?”
I read my earlier archives and realised i did that too.. even typing now a friend said this, said that… but somehow it seems different now.
jo: oh com’n, don’t say that. but hey, care to join me in my eat shit sleep week? I just did the post and it feels damn liberating. Just bla bla blahing and who the fuck cares if the title does not relate to the content of the post. BOO!
you feel more restricted now, yes? it’s a trend, it must be.
–
except for the “material perks” and a “few hundreds readers” part, everything else in this post i can totally relate to.
which makes it all the more pathetic for me 🙁
jo: aww sewjin, you still have it. you haven’t lost your juice. wish i could say the same for me.
–
Aww, I know what you mean, I don’t like to call myself a ‘blogger’, it feels pretentious. =/
And I don’t know, I guess I am lucky, I still blog for myself sort of, firstly ad a way for my friends to keep abreast of the happenings in my life, and secondly, it gives me a rush to entertain people. 😛
jo: haha entertain people, yes indeed:) your blog is quite funny!! i remember the credit card entry..your dad threw the bill at you and gave one word, “explain!” lol lol lol.
I like entertaining people too….it makes me feel very happy. 🙂 but it’s sad when you run out of things that are funny to show.
–
haihhhhh life is like that la hor jolene? wtf takde kaitan also
i really liked your blog last time hahah cause you talked about EVERY single thing and that time i just go together with barry and i would spend hours reading your entries cause you’d talk about what he said etc and you’ll highlight his names tee hee wtf
jo: hahaha….. what to do.. he always said the funniest thing and since we carpooled and were in the same class, we were like around each other up to 8 hours a day. and u know lah, both of us our mind so hamsap one..so the conversations are always bloggable. haha. glad to provide u with some ‘insight’ back then.Â
–
HI Jo,
Mmm, kind of noticed your lack of blogging lately. Definitely miss reading the old you and well, I think the pressures of it all definitely takes the fun, and well, zest of things eh? Maybe it’s just the pressure of being ‘femes’ eh? hehe…
Well, I’ll just say this, I miss reading your blogs.. 🙁 for real.
ANyway, hi from Prague. 😀 See… overseas some more still read your blog!
jo: hey Christine;) what are you doing in Prague?(and thanks;P)
Well… i definitely don’t think it’s being ‘femes’ or what. Coz it’s not the case as I am not worthy for that kinda title wei. paisehnye.
Yeah…. actually i could do with a little insight..what do you miss reading about how i used to blog? I feel so jaded these days..can’t remember what i’m supposed to be doing.
–
are you really going to stop?:( you were the first among us to get a blog! even if u do then just blog privately la i dont comment often but i like all ur 56k killer posts wtf 🙂
jo: hahaha as a blogger yourself, you know very well that perhaps one of the best things to get after a tiring blog post is of course comments. sometimes it feels very tiring to blog and u think no one’s listening. only a handful yes, but humans are always so greedy wtf;p
haha, see lah how…but u’ll be damn updated with my life no matter what don’t worry! even if i don’t invite you to my wedding, Chee Kiang will probably say, “eh, what about Audrey.” haha. okok? 😛 and so nice! i’ll get to come for your wedding, and of course Barry’s and Suet’s. Then can gossip with Aunty Ooi like old times.
–
can i just copy sewjin’s comment?
the way we blog will definately change once we had an audience. filtering photos and words from the hearts. haiz..
jo: yah. omg. yes.. ;( so true..in a way… but i’m also sad about how i can’t feel inspired nowadays.
–
hi…just being opinionated…
i don have hundreds of readers like u.
my readers mostly from people i know.
so my bloggie serves like a newsletter updates them with my life. im eppie like when they discuss about da pic i edited n stuffs.
but lately, a friend of my saw some pic of us boozing.
and he advised me 2 take down that pic coz itz against auku (akta uni dan kolej uni)…its stated something like student shall not get drunk.
arghh…and i protected da post with password.
i did it becoz of don’t wanna get my friends in trouble as she is one of da student representatives. if im solo in da pic, i wouldn’t take it down.
but seems like noone cares about that auku huh…
and i like your bloggie…keep blogging ya
aaah!
the beauty of blogging with just words, broken english and intended grammatical mistakes 🙂 gone were the days, hey babe?.. and believe me.. just like you, i miss those days too.
back in 2000, i was known as the notorious shnicky7; and when my blog started picking up.. i realised that this glory came with a price- my identity as kristin. it came to a point where it annoyed the living germs out of me when i got comments/emails asking me why i don’t do this or that anymore and how ppl are ‘expecting’ me to do it again.
i guess i wasn’t prepared to lose myself and be confined to being who the internet expects me to be eventho the default caption for my blog has forever been- my life; your entertainment.
i guess i just couldn’t keep up & i’m not really into posting photos on my blog so i decided to quit blogging altogether to erase this personality most techie’s will remember as shnicky7.
a part of me did feel the impact of the loss and many a times, i even contemplated on reviving shnicky7 (both blog & personality) once more 🙂
its been 4years since i’ve stopped blogging now.. and the blogs today are waaaaay more canggih than my broken english-word filled one.
don’t you stop blogging, jolene.
especially if it has become a part of your lifestyle.
because i never understood the saying- ‘you don’t know what you got till its gone’ until i realised it’ll most prolly take yonks to have what i once did.
not worth throwing it all away lah 🙁