The Pseudo-Exes Logbook

Here I am, sitting in my Cuboidal-pig printed nightgown while waiting for the kettle to boil. Another cup of Nescafe to last me through the night – right up till 6am! I did it yesterday, I can do it again. Just a little worried about the effects that it’ll have on my heart. Let’s see…. Heart problems..Passing exams…Heart problems….. Heart Problems < Passing exams. Heart problems can go see doctor later right? Or just compensate with more sleep during the holidays! Sometimes when your mind drifts, the occasional thought ponders in your mind until a blog entry is created in midair and you make your way to your computer. At least for me lah. I always think about the diary that I wrote diligently in throughout secondary school. It's always nice to have a flip through to see how much you've grown. Which is how I'm so aware that there were only four major guys(Chee Kiang takes a huge chunk of it. 3 years in my diary wei! 3 years!) in my entire high school life and I daresay my entire life up till now.(and I hope forever.<3) Well, actually, there was this other sweet one who would walk me across the road to buy my supplies for my KH project and come talk to me whenever he sees me during volleyball practices. He was on the boys team. I remember being shy because I found it strange why he would make a point to sit next to me during the bus rides to volleyball tournaments. He'd leave little cryptic love notes under my desk in my form2 class as he was sitting at the same table in his morning session class. The most obvious one was when he bolded the alphabets that spelled out I LIKE YOU amidst random words in a long paragraph on a chinese new year card early form3. I never noticed anything....it was my walking talking diary(aka good ol' KKB) who told me about it. So yeah, I never remember him as one of the four guys in my diary because he never told me anything other than all those little actions. ;\ I've been in and out of touch on MSN with two of the four guys who made major appearances in my secondary school diary.(Chee Kiang doens't count! I keep in touch with him by touching him okay!:P) One who used to tell me that I'm beautiful whenever he had the chance(this was like back in form2. When I was still skinny. Sigh.) and this other one whom I would tell him how much I adored him whenever I had the chance(this was in form1-form3). I'm pleasantly surprised to learn that the two of them occasionally read my blog. Which makes me wonder about the one whom I've not spoken to. After I ignored him early form2 for going all weird(he started wearing hair bands to keep his long fringe up OUT to Sunway Pyramid! Omg!), I've not spoken to him since. Maybe briefly when I was in form4 during an Interact meeting, but I can't quite remember. Last I know, he seems happily married on friendster. I hope my boyfriend doesn't mind me documenting these thoughts of mine like that. Chee Kiang, you know I love you very much. Every now and then, reminiscing a little bit about the chase and pursuit of the yesteryears won't hurt anything! With hairband boy, things were more innocent. It was the first time a boy ever liked me and was not afraid to show it. Well not first time. There was one boy in pre-school and one boy in standard 2. hahaha. So sad right. Pre-school and standard 2 punya admirers also can remember. Hello Joash! Hello Alan! Anyway, with hairband boy, it was very IRC and message board dedication and song dedication kinda thing. We didn't even TALK all that much in school. Haha. The closest we got to a date was when our friends pushed us to sit together on the Sky Flyer in Sunway Lagoon. Went back home and scribbled away in my diary. "Dear diary... GUESS WHO I SAT NEXT TO ON THE SKY FLYER???" With guy who liked to tell me that I'm beautiful, he always made me feel more than a little embarrassed by his compliments. I wasn't used to compliments. I remember how I would flinch whenever he tried to tell me that my skin was extra white that day or something. He was a nice person. Also the first male that I ever went out one on one with! Guy that I used to adore for 2 and half years? ...so many stories that I don't even know where to begin. Maybe can become bestseller. Hahaha. Lots of tears, anger, bitches, stolen glances, poems(written by me la and then. Him meh!), wistful looking, stalking, precious phone calls, bets, hospital visits, walk homes, broken promises, hill sitting, shoulder touches, brick throwing... etc. Ahhh.. and then Chee Kiang. It was 5 years of friendship before we really got together. 😉 So the base was built long before any romance sparked. The friendship continued to build after the first spark though, which I sometimes wonder if it would have been different if we just dived right into courtship in form3. Alot of people say that it's better to wait until you're more matured. And I believe we were more adult about it(though I have to say, I'm still incredibly immature. I daren't take credit for being too adult.;P) when we were 17 and 18 instead of 14 and 15. We're both 20 now. Haha. And we'll be 20 and 21 in a few days' time! Wish I was there to celebrate with him. ;( So yeah, the last guy that ever showed an interest in me was in form3. I was single for three years after form3 though. But the diary had no further characters after 2001. (and let's hope it stays that way lah. but you know, I'm just saying.) Wonder what happened after form3? Did I change so much from that sweet little thing that I was in early secondary? I mean I KNOW i put on weight but I'd rather this than being so skinny in form2. I quote Daryl: "Wah, why you suddenly, *makes explosive motion* bom?" - Daryl Seow, 2001. Wait..haha was I even a sweet little thing. NOT ENOUGH COFFEE, JOLENE LAI...don't be so perasan! Sometimes I do look at the male friends around me and wonder what kind of boyfriends they will make. Good? Bad? Boring?? I mean it's only human to analyze them that way. Of course, I always compare them to my bf and as nice a person as they are, I always realise that there's more happiness, more comfort, more playful banter with him. It's good to know, you know? It's nice to know. 🙂 I mean, haven't you heard about how you can never expect to get all the qualities of the perfect companion from a single person? Girlfriends provide with you the fuel to gossip, guyfriends call you ugly(to train me wor, apparently. *shrugs*), brothers will call you fat(and play Mika's Big Girl You're Beautiful through their amps)....you see? Healthy relationships all around 🙂 I can never understand couples who go into recluse after finding each other. Argh, I'm digressing again. Anyway, I do wonder, what if I took the plunge and got together with any of those guys I mentioned back in secondary school?(though the one I adored would have to be tied down and threatened to be thrown into a pot of boiling lava.. he'd agree eventually. I know he would. Hehe. I'm quite sure I could've made him my boyfriend if I was more persistent and aggressive. Which is scary. yes. well. whatever.) You know, as a young teenager kind of thing. Like what would I have done.. what would I have learned from it... and how would it have ended? Confirm break up one. I know for sure. I didn't dare get into relationships back then because I was just NOT done analyzing them from the tip of their hair to their toenails. The whole catscan thing. I was afraid. I was very unsure. I should have known that mistakes are made to be made. My diary would have been so much more exciting! (Well, honestly, life is definitely more exciting now compared to the once in two weeks type of excitement that I used to get back in school. Somemore must update my blog! Sien la!) I just want to know how I would have handled it all at a younger age. Will I care more about the boy or will i care more about how the schoolmates would look at us as a couple? Saham naik or turun after coupling? It's different from getting together with someone when you're at the tertiary education age right? Like with Chee Kiang, there are so many serious things to consider. How many years spent abroad working, where to stay in the future, which kids do the washing, what time should the kids sleep at night, must hire maid or not.. hahaha etc. Just innocent only-can-see-each-other-in-school-and-maybe-the-playground-and-in-tuition kind of love. Ah, the strange old days of secondary school romance. 🙂