The Rumblings Of My Biological Clock

As I was boarding the bus on Friday afternoon with Lie Yuen, I saw a couple of toddlers running around. I turned to Lie Yuen and said, “You know, the moment I see kids on the bus, all my maternal instincts dissipate into thin air.” I can’t remember if she agreed or not as we were distracted by one of the kids’ relative who was talking into her hand phone. You know, one of those super chinese aunties who go, “Haaah!? Haaa… Haaaaaa…Haaaaaah?!!!” Wah lau.

But as I was telling Lie Yuen, that after 2 years of taking the bus, you stop feeling angry and take it in your stride. But I spoke too soon because the bus took nearly 6 hours to reach KL. From 2.30pm, I reached KL at about 9pm. Grrrrr!!

Anyway, back to the kid. After awhile, the little boy looked out the window and started singing a song to himself. Under usual circumstances, it would be annoying but I just couldn’t stop looking at the cute spiky bristles poking out of his head. It’s the type of baby hair that is so nice to nuzzle your face into. I want a son of my own! I momentarily changed my mind about his cuteness when he started sitting on the top of the head rest. It’s quite a climb for a boy of his stature.

Whenever I walk past a pram these days, i would have to peer in and have a look. I would then gush at the baby and pull faces at it. Sometimes the babies glare at me, sometimes they gurgle with happiness(i’m charming that way, what to do). There was this one time(at band camp?), I saw a guy bending over the pram with a handphone camera. He was just happily snapping away at his baby. It was such a sweet yet simple gesture from a man to be so adoring of his little bundle of joy. This is the very kind of man that a woman(who has vibrating ovaries) would want to marry.

I even bought a few baby clothes for my 6 month old nephew before and that’s saying something. I’m turning into one of those women! I want babies! I know it’s a silly thing to say but if only I could just speed the clock up a little and be 28 tomorrow.

Toddlers are cute too, even if they’re at the terrible twos stage. I saw a little girl(thought she was a little boy at first) playing at the lego table at Cineleisure Damansara last night. I waved and beamed at her and immediately, her two grubby little hands flew to her mouth to stifle the cutest of giggles! My mum was equally blown away. Hahaha. My mum has been telling me that she will help to take care of my children when I’m out working. 🙂 So nice!

I totally lose control when I see little baby sport shoes. How can something be so small? Even my dog’s paw can’t fit into it. Whenever I caress one of those fuzzy baby clothes, I just want to buy it and put it on a baby. A baby that does not exist yet. 🙂 I really hope I can have kids before I’m thirty.

Which reminds me: While Mel, Mun Teng and I were at Melur chomping on our usual Roti Kertas/Tisu? just now, Mun Teng said the silliest thing. “I want a baby that is perfect!” To which we gave her our ultimate DUH look.

“Oh, to each her own, Mun Teng. I certainly hope that MY baby has a cleft palate,” I told her while rolling my eyes. Obviously every parent would want their child to be problem free right? I certainly cannot imagine if I had a baby who was disabled. Would it be okay to abort it to ease it off the problems it would face in later life? I mean cleft palates won’t lah, that can be fixed. But things like Down Syndrome or some congenital heart problems like Tetralogy of Fallot.. etc.. those would be horrible. Okay, what about a slightly milder case like a bleeding disorder? Would it be better to relieve the baby of these sufferings even before it comes into the world? I’m just counting on better and improved technology by the time I decide to have a child of my own.

Obviously I’m sane enough to know what’s important for me now. The last three years of university. I won’t even consider having a kid while I’m still having my three years’ government service because I could be posted anywhere. Life would be stable when I’m 26. 🙂 I hope. But touch wood lah, say if I’m unmarried by the time I’m 35…36.. I would be one of those women who go shopping at the sperm bank. And then appear in a 2020s Female issue’s feature story entitled “Single Mums: Solo From The Start!”

I do wonder if I will be a fierce mum or a soft one? Will I be able to discipline the kids or will I be the one they turn to when daddy scolds them? My childhood involved a few threats of “stop crying or else you’ll only be eating roti canai with sugar”(which I grew to love btw!), bathroom lock ups, leaving me downstairs in the hall to cry.. I can’t recall many experiences with the cane. I think my grandparents used the cane on me more than my parents ever laid hands on me. But many sarcasm and ‘guilty talks’ thrown my way in all my twenty years! It proved to be beneficial:) I did quite a bit of kneeling down in front of the altar in my younger years. Once it was because I didn’t want to eat my dinner(kneeled in front of the Monkey God at my grandparents house. I was three years old!). Then when I was about five, my brother and I had to kneel in front of a fallen vase that we broke while dragging a balloon around the house. Must’ve been to pay our last respects to the fallen vase or something. I don’t know. Strange ideologies from my father. Haha.

I will definitely not use the cane on my children. Hitting them with my hand… I guess that can be taken into consideration. My mum has hit me on the side of my head before, a slight tap lah, but still, the hurt is more emotional than physical!

I can be quite controlling as a person. I hope I won’t be a controlling parent. 🙁 I would want my children to tell me things at their own will and not be one of those parents who dig into their personal stuffs or poke their nose into their kids’ lives, uninvited.

Now the big question: Private school, kebangsaan or chinese school? Hm.