What If Things Were To Ever End?

Sometimes I imagine myself having to look again if things between me and Chee Kiang should ever end. Please touch all the wood for me because I would never want that to happen. But shit happens, so I just try to imagine the impossible and its consequences. 

Firstly, it would be difficult for me because before I was in a relationship, all I ever knew about relationships was romance and what the movies told me. A hot guy with a sweet nature is all that is needed to sweep you off your feet. 

I just don’t know if there is anyone else out there who can firstly be attracted to me. If being attracted wasn’t difficult enough, he would have to put up with the person that I am. Not the one that I parade around for the world to see, but the girl who lives in a messy world (or room), who sometimes speak with so much of oblivion and self righteousness about issues that she doesn’t take to, who is infamous among closest and dearest to her with a mouth as big as Gua Mulu (though I’m working on it ever since I got into ugly situations with friends), who will eventually grow into a typical overbearing chinese parent (money + professional career FTW, nothing else. Passion what passion? Can eat ah?), who can’t take criticism of any kind, who actually doesn’t have much to offer except her self degrading sense of humour. (only she can degrade herself, btw)

I of course think what kind of relationships I would have with the many guy friends in my life. What kind of boyfriend would they be? Again, this is something I never knew when I was a teenager, but it is very, very difficult to find a personality that can match yours. Friends might change to become another person when they become a boyfriend. Not necessarily for the better.

I cannot remember what Chee Kiang was like as a friend. To be honest, what he was as a person back in school is quite a blur to me because as far as I can remember, he was already Boyfriend.  So it’s difficult to compare. You ask him lah, for sure he’ll forget what I was like as a friend. I’m the more sentimental one of the two of us anyway, so I’m laying down 20 bucks first. 😛

If things should ever end between us, I am afraid I might always compare the new ones to him. What if new boyfriends are bad tempered, cold, chauvinistic and pretty much a ladies (who are not his wives) man? I’d be there pining for my old Chee Kiang who never dared to raise his voice at me (though sometimes he does when he gets exasperated when I repeat my questions one too many times. But you know what I mean, I could never imagine having an other half who yelled at me constantly), who wasn’t a big flirt, who never ordered me to do things for him and who was always in a good jovial mode except when he needed to nap.

Could I ever stomach the fights that I never had in my previous relationship? I hate confrontations and I don’t think most guys would take an argument lying down. The both of us have learned of a way to deal with arguments and pretty much don’t hold it against each other and make-up within 24 hours. I hope this will last, I do! In another relationship this could be very different. The fictional boyfriend might fall into a really bad temper that could last for days and I’m the one who is supposed to cajole him and do all the apologizing. I don’t ever want to put myself through constant heartaches in a relationship. 

For fear of sounding nauseating, I think that I am really lucky to get it right the first time. What if I have to do it a second, third, fourth and fifth time before I decide, okay, this might be the one? It would be too long a process. 

Would I be able to control my jealous nature? At this point in time, Chee Kiang still finds it amusing and is quick to side with me when I start to tear a girl into pieces in my head who flirts with him like she has known him for years. Fucking bitch. *gets a bit angry at the memory* I have moments when I cannot accept female accompany around him though he has known some of the girls for so many years that the thought of anything is ridiculous. Tell you what, let’s blame it on my period for some of those outbursts. But on the whole, as long as he has introduced me to the girls, and we get along like a house on fire, then all is well. I don’t recall ever seeing Chee Kiang jealous though. Only times when I’m having an exposed cleavage or I stick out my chest for friends to read my latest t-shirt, he’ll be like, “Wei!” and puts his hand over to shield it from the adoring public. 

Also, when you were younger, financial status was never an issue. But there is always an imbalance. If you get together with too poor a man, it doesn’t mean that you’re a gold digger for resenting him, it is because you foresee his lack of ambition and the possibility that he might live off you. If you get together with too rich a man, statistics show that most of them can afford to have affairs and they have you bounded to them financially. I need to find an equal. So difficult to find an equal you know? (from what I have heard) 

Now let’s look at the flip side. How can I let him go back into the sea for fishing women with all the amazing qualities that he has shown to me? I would break into pieces knowing some other lucky girl laughs hard because she knows what is going on when he takes off his glasses. How he would share his super spontaneous story telling skills of imagined scenarios without so much as a pause, filled with things that he thinks are awesome? (international neighbourhood… basically he would love to be in the United Nations, joking about possible scandalous children etc.)  

I don’t know if I were to hurt more if he treats his next (NEVER!!) girlfriend just like how he treated me. I would definitely definitely hurt if he did more things for the next girlfriend than he ever did for me. Which girl wouldn’t? It’s something that I really cannot bear to imagine. Some people love to mend a broken heart (good for writing poems and songs and such), but I cannot. 

Think further. If he were to marry someone else and not me and go on to build that family we often talk about, how would I feel? If I were to bump into him at some shopping complex with a couple of his kids with those double eyelids and height that I so wanted for my own children, it would probably kill me.  If, if, if. So many ifs. 

After five years, the possibility of starting over is a daunting process, too tiring, you can’t bear the thought of playing the game again, you just want to keep going closer and closer to the next phase in life.. so should everything end, you would lose what you have worked on so far. The efforts and the time all down the drain. Meaningless years. I hope we will always make it work.