It happened again.
I came home with the article from All The R.Age and showed my mum the little write up about my blog on their Blog Watch column. Mum was really excited about it and I can’t blame her for showing it to my father. But then again, I wanted my father to know that my blog received a mention in the papers; even if it is only distributed in campuses, whatever his reaction was. He seemed pretty nonchalant about it.
Then he came down for some soup and asked me, “Jo, can you stop blogging?”
I looked up at him with eyes akin to an animal caught in the headlights.
He is worried again with the exposure that I was getting from my NS blogs. He said that I’ve worked so hard(did I?) to get to where I am today and he said he doesn’t know how far this will go. I don’t know if what I wrote was detrimental towards the government but if that’s what my father thinks is best, who am I to say anything to go against his words?
I told him I’m not sure if it really deters people to avoid NS. He said, “Then don’t play with fire if you’re not sure how to.”
He doesn’t want me to go on taking the risk and there could be a possibility that the authorities MIGHT not like what they see and initiate legal proceedings against me. His rationale is that I can not afford to have a black mark in my records especially when I am only 18.
Perhaps alot of you might think I’m exaggerating but we do know that there IS the possibility that my national service blogs will not be accepted by the government.
And yes, my dad reads every single letter that I sent home. That was something that I could not avoid. He did say that I write well but he was not happy that it was in a negative sort of way. He said that I can write my blog in an autobiographical sort of way and go all out as long as it doesn’t harm anyone but then again, my NS stint was a life experience for me, Hmm. What my dad meant was that I should not be writing against intitutions.
I know it’s weird that I agreed to delete everything. Strangely, I don’t feel THAT sad. I liked the fleeting fame my blog entries received especially when the likes of Kenny Sia, TV Smith and a host of other big bloggers who shared my blog with the rest of their worlds. I felt really happy when I saw my hits soar up during that short period of time.
I reached an all time high when Melody smsed me on Thursday morning saying that my blog was featured in All The R.Age. I was quite discouraged to see that my hits were actually deteriorating and I now get an average of 320 a day compared to the 1760 unique hits I received when Kenny blogged about my national service blogs and his thoughts on the programme. Thanks to my National Service entries, my incoming links have reached 180.
After awhile, I felt that the hits I was getting from my national service blogs were not genuine enough for me to appreciate them. It’s only because people are curious about national service which is why they read me. I started to wonder, “Will people still be bothered to drop by after the entries end?” I can easily rattle of a list of a few of my good friends and readers who became friends who will constantly check up on my life, wondering if I am eating well, sleeping well, shitting well etc but when you get a sudden surge of 1760 hits … I know this is stupid lah, but it’s heartbreaking to see your hits declining.
Besides, I felt that the magic was over. My friends complaint that I was losing my original style because of my barrage of NS entries.
Those who matter have read my NS entries, at least a few, if not all. You know what happened. Thank you for reading me.
Though I have 11 more entries to go, I decided to stop at Day 39 and delete everything before that. I’ve saved it of course and if any one of you wants to read it, you can just drop me a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. Yes, it’s still dangerous because you never know who’s behind a screen name but at least I can control who reads me.
I would like to apologise to all who have linked to me, telling your friends about my NS blogs. I feel as if I’ve left an empty hole in your blogs. My apologies to All The R.Age as well. It’s not even a week since you’ve given me some exposure.
Those of you who read my entries would know that I had a hard time dealing with my camp mates’ attitudes. But you know, my NS entries had a happy ending. Really. Like every other story. The last line of the entries would have been, “So kids, go for NS. It will be fun.” Thought I could’ve been some NS evangelist or something. Eheh.
A list of my national service entries’ titles. It was fun while it lasted..
Day 2 :Finally
Day 3 :There’s a Bitch Already
Day 4 : Homesick But Surviving
Day 5 : Racial Integration Classes
Day 6 : Making Friends With A Fellow Banana
Day 7 : Adjusting But Satisfied
Day 8 : The Recreational Buddhist Who Has To Refrain From Bitching
Day 9 : Finally Chilling
Day 10 : I Can Be A Security Guard You Know
Day 11 : Unleash The Bitch In Me And Dorm Politics
Day 13 : Racial Integration, It’s Working!
Day 14 : How A Boring Saturday Can Have So Much
Day 15 : No Manners
Day 16 : Living Together
Day 17 : Of Paper Planes and Fried Toes
Day 18 : Racial Harmony
Day 19 : Chosen For Merdeka March!!!
Day 20 :The Physical And Mental Module Rocks!!
MERDEKA: NS HABIS DAH!!!
Day 21 : My Sufferings: Bitches and Menstrual Woes
Day 22 : I Was On TV!
Day 23 : Getting In The Mood
Day 24 : Creative Sports and Water Confidence
Day 25 : A Barrage Of Physical Activities. Owww~!
Day 28 : Adapting, adapting.
Day 29 : There Are Real Bitches
Day 30 : The Retaliation
Day 31 : Finally On The Flying Fox!
Day 32 : When the Skies Are Grey, The People Are Happier
Day 33 : Sometimes Muhibbah Is Unfair
Day 34 : Character Building Graduation Night!
Day 35 : Deep Down, I Am Jungle Joe
Day 36 : On A Lazy Sunday
Day 37 : The Sacrifices We Are Forced To Make Just To March For Merdeka
I’ll Be Marching.
Now the original Little Girl In A Reverie will resume.
In loving memory…