The Battle Goes On: Jolene Vs. Cockroaches

I need to pimp this entry for Amanda. And what better way to associate Chow Kah Soon with the vile roaches that I am going to feature on my blog today?

Eff off, Chow Kah Soon. Cheap shit. What did the blogosphere teach you? Tsk, tsk.

I’ll start the real entry now:

Every single fucking day, without fail, without FUCKING FAIL, a cockroach scurries underneath my bed when I open my door. It’s like it suddenly said to its entourage, “ARGHH, RUN!! TIS HUMAN-WOMAN IS HERE AGAIN!! RUN!!! GO FORTH MY FELLOW INSECTS TO THE MIGHTY HOLES! WE MUST STALL THE HUMAN-WOMAN AND SPREAD FAR AND WIDE! DRIVE HER CRAZY FOR SHE WILL NOT SLEEP IF NOT A PEEK SHE GETS OF OUR KERATIN BODIES.. HIDE MY INSECTS..HIDE!!!!!”

I will scream and scream and do a little Russian dance with my legs before regaining enough of my composure to reach for the trusty can of Ridsect.

I was baffled. Why do I get roaches in my room everyday? No matter how many times I shift out my things to give my room a thorough mop, another cockroach appears the following day. If I do not have it flattened to the breadth of a paper, I will be so afraid of the floor and would happily chop off my feet to float around the hostel. It’s that bad.

Since the bed that is given to me is so horrible, I take the mattress down and sleep on the floor. So the worst that could happen with a cockroach around would be having one crawling up my face when I am in deep slumber.

I would be traumatised for life. So much that I would actually require counselling. I am serious.

After putting our heads together, my housemates and I finally deduced the ACTUAL reason why my room is like a cockroach haven.

That’s because: I AM NEAR THE KITCHEN THAT’S WHY!! AND THE BATHROOM TOO!!

Some of us in this hostel are actually pretty irresponsible and won’t throw the rubbish every single day. ARGHHH.. and the worst part is that they are too lazy to put the rubbish bin into the big black bin(which is still “drying” outside after getting a wash about 3 weeks ago. I know lah, I’ll bring it in soon.). So we have a black rubbish bin bag lying limply on the ground inviting cockroaches from as far as Gunung Jerai to come feast in our resplendant array of remnants of instant noodles and orange peels.

After our discussion, I decided to test if our theory was correct. I flicked the black bin abit and a cockroach came charging at my toes to which I jumped to one side and gave a pityful howl. IT IS THE FUCKING BIN ALRIGHT!!

I chased it out of the kitchen and to my dismay it scurried into my room. I banged the ground abit hoping to create enough vibration for the creature to realise that it would not be a safe place to spend the night. It then flew out of my room(I screamed again) and went into the bathroom.

I grabbed the Ridsect and sprayed half the can into the toilet and closed the door with a bang after shouting, “DIE YOU FUCKER, YOU!!!”

The next morning when I went to brush my teeth, I saw the roach with all six limbs in the air, flat on it’s back. Wah-ahaha. ahahaha-ahahaha.

Jolene: 6  
Cockroach: 0

I cannot tahan lah! I have to kill each and every one of these miniature monsters. I stuff my doorway with cloth and newspaper so that nothing will go in even if I close my room door. So far so good!

It’s just human nature to be so utterly disgusted with cockroaches. Name me ONE person who is fascinated by cockroaches and I’ll eat one and put the picture of me chewing it on my blog. I mean EWWWww, look at those horrible long feelers, that hard body that opens up with equally stiff violent vibrating wings and segmented body in the hideous most tacky shade of brown ever. The worst bit has to be the furry bits along their legs. “Why, the better to cling onto fabric with, my dear.”.

But my mother always tells me to put myself in my enemy’s shoes and see if I like to be treated that way. So here goes:

From A Cockroach’s Point Of View

Fuck lah. Got human again. Somemore one of those screamy female ones. So disgusting lah they all. The top part of their body got like a billion feelers. Eeee. And then that two white balls with black dots in the middle of the top of their body can change their size when they see me one. The worst part has to be those two thick feelers coming from the side of their bodies. Then they walk with another two thicker looking feelers. Can be abit more disgusting or not? I mean, HELLO, enough with the feelers already! *flicks a fine cockroach feeler away from eyes bitchily with front furry limb*

Haiyoh, the stupid human is bringing that rolled up piece of tree pulp and aiming at me again. Must run again lah. Fucking tired wei.

*WHAM!!*

Wah sei, violent sial. Didn’t know that rolled up tree pulp can be so scary one hor! I KNOW! I SHALL FLY!!

*buzzbuzz(sound of wings flying)*

Wahahahaha, stupid one.

OH shitt! The stupid human is pointing The Aluminium Can at me. NOooooOOOOooooOOoooooOO!!

*Pssst!*

*choke* *hack* Arggghhh! MY EYES MY EYES!!!!!! MA CHI PET!!

Kong Kong Roach? …. Por Por Roach? Tai Por Roach??

Ah Roach Chai saw the deceased members of his family.

“Yes Ah Roach Chai, we are here to take you with us. It’s time.” said Por Por Roach.

“But…but… I’m still young! Just last week I was a pupa!”, Ah Roach Chai said.

“It’s The Aluminium Can,” said Por Por Roach sadly.

A bright light illuminated from behind Kong Kong Roach, Por Por Roach and Tai Por Roach.

I saw myself popping out from my egg along with my million other siblings. I could see how we scurried away to our separate paths. I could see Ma Ma Roach’s fluttering wings flying away from us after we were hatched.

The light was getting too bright for me. DAMN FUCKING BRIGHT LAH WEI!! OFF THE DAMN LIGHTS LAH DEI!

“Psst, what do you think is happening ar?” Tai Por Roach asked Kong Kong Roach.

“I think his life is flashing past his feelers,” Kong Kong Roach whispered back.

“Fly towards the bright light, Ah Roach Chai!” Por Por Roach shouts as the bright light engulfs Ah Roach Chai.

Epilogue:

Ah Roach Chai’s lifeless body fell to the ground. Ants, Flying Ants, Beetles, Ladybirds, Spiders, Fruit Flies and many other insects peeked voyueristically from their corners to get a view of the sad sight which marked the end of the foul mouthed Ah Roach Chai’s relatively short life which only reached a grand time span of a week.

From a distance, The Aluminium Can dropped to the floor with a satisfying clang and a booming human voice said happily, “Kau tim.”

p/s: After writing this silly story, I went into my bedroom and there was a cockroach in the middle of my floor running around in circles.   …………………..


Photos to share!


Lie Yuen brought her damn cute beanbag pig over. I HAD to make a replica of it. Even mixed the colours to the exact shade. 😀


It’s got this perpetual shocked expression on its pink face. 🙂


Even the tail also must be same.


Cute leh!


l-r: Lishen and Lie Yuen camwhoring with the pigs.


And then with the miserable dentures(I’ve added braces to it if you can see properly).


Me pan-ning cute with Lishen.


No, I don’t know what the hell happened either.


Maxis came over demanding for dvds.


That’ll be Ah Thong. Stupid security guards will send ‘warning letters’ to our families if there are boys in our hostels. The latest incident was because of a steamboat party in one of the hostels.


Cockroaches and moths, this is worse than National Service okay?

Chick Literature: How They Define Womenkind


“A damn good book!” – Jolene Lai.

One of the nicest things in the world is when a good ol’ chick lit gets converted into a movie.

I’m still holding out for Divas Las Vegas(Belinda Jones) and PS. I Love You.(Cecilia Arhern), probably the best so far in the chick literature genre.

With all the books-to-movie conversions, I’m trying to get my hands on as many of it as possible. Like Narnia and Memoirs Of A Geisha! I know, I know, disappointment could ensue, yeah. But the only book-to-movie book I’ve read is Harry Potter and that does NOT count.

Chick lit is food for the soul!

Nothing beats being able to snuggle up on the couch on a rainy evening whilst turning the pages and chuckling and tearing along.

The ingredients to make a good chick lit is:

a) A messed up girl
b) A funny guy who unexpectedly becomes the sweetest love interest
c) A gay friend
d) An obsession of a certain kind. (ie. shoes, shopping, drugs..etc)
e) Weird parents
f) An apartment (important for all the raunchy sex scenes)
g) Missions (usually it’s marriage…..*makes a “what else?” kind of shrug*)
h) The obligatory bastard

My mother thinks that I have too many chick literatures as they are too predictable. Of course, chick literature dwells about messed up women and how they fall in love. Falling in love is always predictable. It’s how it happens that isn’t. :). So the story goes.

After half a decade of chick literature indulgence, a (ahem)young girl like me tends to develope the mindset of a 33 year old unmarried woman. The books keep pressing about how difficult it is to find love after the turning point of 30. Is it really?
Chick lit influences me to worry about the wrong things at the wrong time. Like how will I settle my credit card bills of the future. Hmm.

As lovely as chick literatures are, I can’t help but question why are all the women in the books are 25-36 year old? It’s strange how girls almost a decade younger can be so intrigued by the turmoils of older women. Is it the whole ‘wearing-mum’s-oversized-high-heels’ concept? The same feeling we get when we dabble with our mums’ make-up during our pre-puberty years?

A preparation guide of sorts, perhaps?

Girls are seldom attracted to portrayals of their own age group. Have you seen a 19 year old girl obsessing about Hillary Duff? Are any of YOU(assuming my readers are around my age) still buying editions of Sweet Valley Senior Year??

My sentiments exactly.

Tweens can’t get enough about the way girls in their late-teens lead their lives. The unimaginable marginal of freedom we receive. The ability to go anywhere with a driving license, the chance to live away from home, the ability to buy whatever we want with the larger allowance,hanging out without a curfew, the love interests, the post-braces smile, make up skills….etc.

Thank you, Francine Pascal, creator of the Sweet Valley series, for all the enlightenment and training that you’ve provided me during my lonely ages of 10-14.

Then we as the late-teen girls sigh longingly at the high flying career women depicted in our chick literature. Pine longingly for the ability to swipe that platinum card and be non chalant about the piling bills.(This does not apply to rich brats who think their daddies shit gold bars and use their cards irrationally. Go away. SHoo. shoo.). Get all fuzzy inside when the man in the story proposes oh-so-romantically. Understand the obsession with shoes. *conspirational nod*

Then what do high flying career women read?

I should think cook books.

They want to be like the next generation: Old ladies who are damn good in the kitchen.

What do old ladies who are damn good in the kitchen read, you say?

…they’re not very sure of it themselves. Too old liao, cannot see properly.

Ahaha, I shall not digress.

I’m trying to make a point about why there are no chick literature about 17-21 year old girls that appeals to 17-21 year old girls. The only stories about 17-21 year old girls in the shelves of MPH are located in the “Teens” section. We reel away from those shelves don’t we? Bring on ‘General Fiction’ anytime! *does a small jiggle*

They are just so lame. But maybe I should not judge so fast as I have not laid my hands on anything so juvenile since.. like I said, half a decade ago.

It’s different in the movies though. Strange as it seems. Hmmmm.

Okay, so maybe we don’t bring movies into the picture, just stick to literature. Or writings, what have you.

You cannot get the same absorbing type of feeling proper chick literature gives you as compared to Sweet Valley-esque type of books at this age. But why is it that you “so feel” for bloggers who are of your age and follow each entry like a reality tv show so passe, dramas are all the rage, I say. So, yeah, like a drama serial.

Is it not writings depicting lives of 17-21 year old girls?

It’s time for someone to write a proper book for girls our age about girls our age.


Ooh! Random photos:

There’s a strange creature festering in our house. I’m serious. We think it’s a mutated cockroach. Don’t you think it looks like Stitch from Lilo and Stitch?


Look at the hands wei..nasty shit!


Looks like fried chicken too! Just imagine if they included this in Fear Factor.


One of my housemates is sick. Hehehe, disturbed her by making a replica of one of her vomitting pills. Kekekeke.


My weak attempt at making dentures.


My oil burner.


I put glitter on top of the candle before burning it and what dya know? Glitter don’t melt!