I beg to differ though.
Before coming to Sungai Petani, I’ve always tried my best to maintain friendships or mend any broken ties. I’d get into petty arguments with friends back at school and sometimes it isn’t my fault but I’d be the first one to go and say sorry.
I’d want to make sure the air is clear between us. If a simple sorry is all it takes to make everything better, I’d do it. I’d grovel and tell them I’m really really sorry and hope that everything between us will be forgiven and forgotten just so we can be like ourselves again.
That part of me is still around but I only reserve it for people that I love or whom I deem are best friends. Best friends differ from good friends in a way that best friends know so much about you, until you’re almost like family. THAT, I’ll still try my very best to salvage if anything goes sour.
I realised I’ve become a harder person. From petty things like snapping at friends who ruffle my hair when I’m deep asleep(during LAN classes – it’s not something that screws up my finals, so who cares?), I know I should say sorry. But I just don’t bother because I want them to know that I really hate it when people rouse me from my slumber during insignifcant classes.
More complicated situations such as some soured relationships, one of which I felt so confused over and saddened about, have turned my heart to stone whenever I think about that friendship. I used to wonder what happened, why is it like that now, what is it that I’m not doing, what is it that I did, why am I locked out of this person’s life, why why why.. but after trying to talk one time too many and time and time again I’ve received the cold shoulder and the monosyllabic replies, I’ve given up.
I’ve seen the cold observing glances assessing me up and down while I try to talk and thus I retract from trying to be too friendly.
But this is what I mean by not bothering anymore. I’ve learnt to be nonchalant. I’ve learnt that I do not need to salvage every single relationship I have. I fear that its turning me into this person that I never was before. My days used to get ruined by minor fall outs with friends and I’d go home and fret about it and think up ways to explain myself or ways to make it better.
These days, I adopt a ‘too bad lah’ attitude and go on with life.
I still maintain alot of the Miss Nice Gal persona. I wish I was the super sarcastic bitch who was oblivious that the things she say can drive home points that are dying to be made, insults that are dying to be thrown. The girl who can say things that other people want to say but cannot find the guts to and then other people do not hold grudges against her because “hey! she’s like that one la, dun care la! hehehe”.
The downside is that people either love this type of person or hate this type of person to the very core. But people who can find it in them to befriend tactless souls know what they are getting into and can take it with a pinch of salt because they won’t take the tactlessness to heart. I’ve got a couple of friends who are like that. We still love them despite the shit they say. It’s just them. See how accepting I am?
Though I find no difficulty in banging people who annoy me to the point of no return. These are the people who are slightly off tangent by normal human standards.
This person that I am, have been told countless and countless of times that I’m the one who gets picked on and bombarded with the rants and a sponge to take the blame for whatever that goes wrong between two groups of friends. Because I’m the one who won’t fight back. And then guess who apologizes?
I suppose I’ve gotten sick of being the one who allows others to throw shit at. Though the reason I’ve changed might not be because I was a soft person who will obediently take the blame but it’s because I’m too lazy to give two hoots if another person chooses to act the way he or she does.
I’m not making it my problem anymore. And that’s another milestone for the transformation of Jolene Lai.
1. Timid, shy and obligingÂ in primary school.
2. Obliging, friendly, crazy and perverted(famous ass slapper)Â in secondary school.
3. Learning to stop giving a shit in college but still friendly and crazy. Not so perverted anymore.
4. Not giving a shit already in university, weird, friendly and back to being a pervert.(I’ve gone on to Nipple pinching. No more ass slapping, more nipple pinching now.)