I Would Like To Be A Substitute Teacher

It seems like it is a trend for people my age to take up teaching while waiting for their results before university. Or do most people do that?

I hate to admit it, but I actually had a day dream about myself teaching a bunch of lower secondary school kids at my old school. Hehehe. I can just imagine what kind of teacher I will be.

It is common knowledge that substitute teachers have been reduced to tears(I should know better, we made one cry once.)

It’s like a relativity theory: The lamer the substitute teacher, the meaner the students.

Back in form4, we had a PE teacher who was a trainee teacher. She was soft spoken and oh-so-saccharinely-sweet. *rubs hands with glee*. Wahahahaha. Obviously, for two consecutive weeks, we ignored her requests for us to get to the field.

She called her friend who was also a trainee and she came to sound us. We were all in the field at that time. My class (4 Damai/Zeta) and Liss/Chien/Abby/Amanda/MinDee’s class(4 Cekap/Omega) were standing around waiting to (ugh) play ball.

The fiercer trainee teacher shouted at us, “KAmu SemUa Ah Tak HorMat CiKGu PuNya KAh?!”(imagine it in a super duper chinese ed tone) “KaMU NamPak CikGu You MaCam DiAm DiaM SaJa, TaPi KamU SemUA Tak TaHu HatI CikGu SaKiT PunYA!”

We were not used to our “cikgus” speaking to us in BM. Majority of us were chinese, obviously use English la. We had a good giggle about her super duper chinese ed tone and we got in deeper trouble.

“KEtAwA ApA?? CiKgu TahU BM ciKGu TaK bAiK, TetAPI CiKGU TeTAP CUbA! KenApA KAmu TaK bOlEh CubA?” (Cuba What lah?!)

We were like being blasted for nothing. Honestly, the situation was not THAT serious. PE is usually a free period. It’s a well known fact. Live with it. We were all pretty peeved already and didn’t know why we were getting such a bad shelling for.

The saccharine sweet trainee teacher just looked at the ground and would glance up at us every now and then.

Then being the wax princess that she is, Amanda piped up, “Why are you scolding us so badly for?? It’s really hot out here.”

“KAMU ADA APA APA MAHU CAKAP YOU MARI KE HADAPAN AH! JANGAN KURANG AJAR AH!” said the fierce trainee teacher.

So Amanda strode to the front and stood next to the teacher. She continued talking in perfect English, “I don’t see why you are scolding like that, it’s not like it’s a subject for SPM. Plus we’re already down here. Can’t you let it go? I admit, we are wrong to ignore her. But we’ve learnt our lesson. We even listened to her today!”

Then Min Dee being Min Dee had to tumpang glamour and she also bisinged and said, “Yalah! Teacher, very hot lah!” (or something along the context).

“YOU!! MARI KE HADAPAN!!”

I thought I saw a flicker of smile played across Min Dee’s face. YAy! The two pro-bitches(I mean it in a good way) were standing up for us!

And so they reasoned. All the time standing next to the teacher and facing the rest of the class. Hahahahaha. The teacher was listening intently. I bet that was her first teacher to student interaction.

“Oklah! Cikgu pun tahu Cikgu ada salah punya! Saya harap kamu semua boleh maaf cikgu ya, cikgu tak mahu menyakitkan hati you semua punyA!”, she said.

“MAri Kita semua berkawan sekali lagi Okay?!” said the trainee and she ACTUALLY PUT HER HAND OUT, PALM FACING DOWN.

All of us were stunned and were not sure what to do. The last time we had our hands like that was when we were playing Lat Ta Li Lat Ta Li Tam Pong nearly 10 years ago.

She wanted us to put our hands ON TOP of hers.. as a sign of friendship.

That time the *swt* emoticon was not popular, but that would’ve been a PERFECT moment for the *swt* emoticon. So we put our hands on top of her’s gingerly, then the trainee teacher said, “So, kawan?!” and the girls from both the classes had to like raise our hands together and lower it together and shout, “YEA!!!”.

*shivers at the memory*

I know it’s sweet and all, but it’s so silly how she overreacted and then calmed down and got all so mushy within the 45 minutes PE period. Ho ho ho. We could not wait to share our ‘experience’ with the guys. Hahaha.

Yeah, moral of the story, subs will never have it easy.

But I think I would still want to be a substitute teacher! Maybe I will teach English, Moral, Maths, Science, Art or..hahahha PE.

I’m thinking of applying for a position during my year 2 year end holidays as I will be working as a dental nurse with my orthodontist for this year’s holidays. Yayy! Apparently he pays pretty well!

Just imagine, my former teachers and I will be colleagues! We’ll be buddies! Yeaaa! I might even get to attend a few club meetings as a sub teacher. Maybe they’ll make me the Interact Club’s Sub teacher advisor. ME, Teacher advisor. What about that!! Hahahahha. I’m sure Pn. Rajes can arrange something for me. 😉 Hehe.

I can just picture it, I even know what I am going to wear on my first day as a trainee teacher. LOL. It’s usually the case, a new young trainee teacher in the school compounds and EVERYBODY wants to know who’s that.

I will stride into my designated classroom purposefully and put my record book onto the teacher’s table(!!!) and glance cooly at the class. I will only respond when they have stood up from their chairs and chorused, “SELAMAT SEJAHTERA CIKGU!”

Then I will smile warmly. I’m assuming that I’ve been given a job as a substitute english teacher. “Good morning class! I am taking over Puan So-and-so’s class for a couple of weeks.”

Then I will proceed to scribble my name on the blackboard like all new teachers do.

“M…I….s…s…..L…A…I…..”.

As I dust my hands, I smile brightly at the class. “You may call me Miss Lai or teacher if you like.”

And as all trainee teachers pray so very hard for, I hope that the kids would not be of much trouble. 

One of the worst situations would probably be the extremely cocky school boys who sit at the back of the class. By then, I would probably have built quite a good reputation with the rest of the class with my friendly persona.

I would raise my wooden meter rule, and wink at the class and motion to them to close their ears as this will get really nasty.

I will stride towards their tables and THWACK!!!!TWACKK!!!THWACKK!! at the wooden table and say cooly, “I. don’t. like. it. when. people. do. not. listen. to. me. when. I. talk! I am going to demerit 10 points of each of the five of you.” I know how annoying it can get when stupid fucked up teachers spoil our ear drums by slamming the wooden meter rule on the table to silence the class.

Yea yea, the walls of the boys’ toilet will probably have something like, “MISS LAI CIBAI BUSUK MUKA PUN MACAM CIBAI,” scrawled on it.

But not every experience as a substitute teacher is a nightmare. 🙂

I think being a FEMALE substitute teacher is an advantage. Once, we had a male substitute teacher back in form2 who looked like he just graduated from form5. He had slicked back hair and he carried a BACKPACK. It just spelt loser.
Obviously we kacau-ed him kau kau lah!

Amanda even created a song for him. I think his name was Mr. Leong. Something about, “Oh Mr. Leong, you’re so fine, How I wish I could make you mine” or something like that. But I know she sang the Pretty Boy song to him. HAhahahahaha. So funny. He thought her maths.

But as a substitute teacher in your own school, it’s so much more fun! Li Shen was teaching civics in school last year. HAHAHAHAHAH. Esther’s brother was her student. He refers to her as Miss Wong. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA.

But imagine all the fun things I can share with my students! I know students always love it when we ramble on and on about our experiences. On the exception of the infamous biology teacher who used to ramble on about how she was always pursued after back in university etc etc. It’s a known fact that she never manages to finish the syllables every year. Thank god for tuition.

I’d tell the students about how we called block F Pulau Ketam when it was still under construction. And how the choir speaking team would practice there and how we got so bored during practices that we actually played volleyball IN the classroom. And how the florescent lamp came crashing down(all of us were squatting down, with our hands at the back of our heads) and how the fan was hanging by a wire when the volleyball went too high.

If Mr.Ang is still around, we’d have a good giggle about him and his chalk-stained butt(he always rubs his hands on the back of his pants) and I’m not sure if he still is but he has been the dicipline teacher for quite a long time now. I’d share the stories about how we’d scurry away into our respective classes when someone would run around the compound screaming, “ANG!! ANG!!!!”. Like some kind of fire alarm system going on. Hehe. It was probably the last day of form2 and we had water balloons which were illegal. It was a Subang Utama tradition to throw water balloons/play water on special occasions such as last day of school/birthdays/or if you just feel like wetting the person. We’d feel our bottles up with water and just shake it at poor hapless souls. So immature, but fun!

I think I can admit it now. IT IS I, JOLENE LAI, WHO THREW THE WATER BALLOON IN 2 AZAM. Yea!! That’s for studying so hard!! NE NE NI BU BU! Hehehe. It was a tedious 6 years trying to keep that secret to myself.

I’d also tell the students about my infamous bra vibrating story. Then probably the entire bunch of form3 girls(once again I’m assuming that I’m teaching form3s) would learn of a ‘new’ secret hiding place for their handphones during spotchecks.

I’d regale stories about how glamourous standing in the volleyball court was with all three blocks surrounding the court. Bored students would watch over you and you felt like you were on a stage. We called it the stage of SMKSU. Actually I didn’t. Dennis they all did. But it’s true, it was damn glamorous, that volleyball court. 🙂

I’d share with them the unspoken rules among the cliques of Subang Utama from 1999-2003. It might be the same, but it’s nice to tell a story or two sometimes eh! About how certain areas of the school/canteen are designated for a certain clique, which teachers are the best to bully etc.

If the kids are into Leo Club and Interact Club politics, all the better! I’d tell them about how it is a tradition for the Leo IU directors to cry at their IU(always got problem, kesian), the late nights for the Valentine’s Day project, the termination of IUs and Installs from being held in hotels because some kid checked into a hotel with a girl, the drama-mama of election days etc.

I’d also share with them all the taboo stories!…..*sigh*. Actually I was just typing out all the juicy famous sex-related stories that happened back in school. But I’m not going to go into details because after all it is still my school. 🙁 *delete, delete, delete*. Just so you know, one of the cases resulted in the termination of Valentine’s Day in my school.

All in all, I think it would be very fun. However, I’d probably get fired from being too frank and for sharing too much with the students.