My 4am Monologues

I’m going home to Subang for 10 days! I wish I was the sort who could travel light. In the entire one year and 2 months that I’ve been in Kedah, I’ve only gone home ONCE with just my handbag. One handphone, one wallet and one camera. With a labcoat stuffed into the handbag incase the bus gets cold.

This time around I have to lug my sillicon adhesive bra back home because the one at home has lost its adhesive, bring my calendar-analog clock to the shop to change for a new one, bring back tons of books because exams are coming, bring back a few pants because god knows I have no pants at home(I used to own only 2 pair of pants prior to my uni days .. before I learnt that knees were considered obscene.), my Venus Razor, laptop, camerachargerphonechargerlaptopcharger, webcam, microphone, pencil box, NEW pencil box, Daryl’s birthday present, my cute plushy FM radio, my makeup bag, my accessories bag, my photos(in cd form), my NEW cds… did I leave anything out?

I don’t know how I’m going to manage! Should I break every bone in my body lugging a suitcase, one backpack and one duffel bag through two LRTS and one ktm? Or should I burn a hole in my pocket and spend on a cab back to Subang?


The thing is, I could easily stock up some possessions back home without having to lug everything I own up and down. It’s not easy. Ever since I moved to Kedah, my room has never been the same. It gets depressing you know? It is devoid of a proper place to put my stationary, my ‘decorations'(at least that’s what I’ve always assumed it to look like) are not as eye catching as before and my wardrobes? I don’t even remember when’s the last time I saw neat piles of clothes in those cupboards.

I don’t even remember where I put my things anymore. Can you imagine my frustration?

As a child, I used to imagine what it was like having to move out of my home and into my husband’s house. How depressing that would be, I thought, when I could come home and be with my mummy and daddy. I didn’t know there was this transition stage called tertiary education. I am learning what its like to be away from my parents. Staying in someone else’s house after marriage should be a breeze.
Besides all that rambling above, I’ve also just made my peace with the boyfriend over something which is probably a consequence of long distance relationship. I see a pattern in the downtimes that we sometimes go through. Exam season remains a huge factor. Sometimes getting too caught up with life will result in feelings of distantness.

However, someone once said that the only way to make a long distance relationship work is by making yourself extremely busy. Which is a good idea really. That’s the advice I always give out to people who emo at me about their other halves not giving a shit about them while they are half way across the world.

Sometimes being busy doesn’t apply for every single situation. Oh well. I was wrong to react the way I did. The poor boy has been the unfortunate recipient of my silent treatments for short bouts throughout our relationship. But I think the longest running was during form 5. Too lame a reason to state here. I’d just give you two words though: Academic reasons.

I know I’m shit but sometimes at the spur of the moment, I cannot control how I react to situations. I need to learn to muka maintain. But if I don’t show my displease, I will never be satisfied and will feel like I’ve been stepped over and over.

But luckily this is all two way as CK also has his own defence mechanism, hence preventing me from digging a bigger grave for the both of us.

What I like about myself is that I get over things very very fast. The whole thing lasted only an hour and all the silly thoughts that was running through my head evaporated just like that when I decided to tell him that I’m sorry for being so irrational.

And his reasons were very valid. Sigh. Someone please slap me to my senses. I need to remove my hormones.


Which brings me to the topic about how I deal with people that I find hard to..well, get along with. If I dislike someone, I cannot bring myself to like the person again. This does not apply to best friends/boyfriends and family.

I cannot stand people who:-

1. Talk really really slowly, have no ability to hold a conversation, shy, extremely quiet.

2. Are over polite. like stop with the thank yous, you-sure-ahs?, i-can-help-you-i-can-help-you. While good manners are very important, some people overdo it.

3. People who touch me like how a best(GIRL)friend would. I’ve been in situations where acquaintances I hardly spoke 10 sentences to, caress my hair thinking that they are being cute and playful or even linking arms with me and putting their head on my shoulders in the process. Personal bubble? Hello?

4. are evangelists. I think this topic is overdone.(I’m talking about strangers who try to preach to me under the scorching sun). While I have extremely religious friends, I’ve told them to their faces before that they should never have to invite me to anything religious. Ever. Maybe it’s a principle of mine, when I say, I don’t want to go for these things, it means I really don’t want to go, do not make this any harder for me. I find it hard to even refer to any other religions except my own(japanese buddhist..ever heard of SokaGakai?) to the point that I have to use the word “greater forces” in my presentation to replace very obvious words. I must state that I have friends of many other religions but I will put on my defense mechanism(turn cold) if I get invited persistently. This started back in primary school.

5. ask for favours and yet demands and dictate exactly how to go about doing it. Enough lah that I’m kind enough to want to help you with your problem, I could use with some polite and well-thought-out words when spoken to about the issue.

So yeah, once I find any one of these faults in someone, I find that I can never revert back to my old self(molest them, tell them perverted jokes, share things) with them because it’s just who I am. I hate myself for it, I really do because some people that I do this to are really nice and sincere. It’s just that all the little things add up and I become extra sensitive around them.  

I can’t bite back on my sarcasm as well. It just falls out of my mouth.

I’m not exaggerating. I wish I wasn’t so much like this. But the way I act is mainly to supress my own ng-song-ness. What’s the word for ng-song in english already ar? Mm. Disastisfaction? Yeah. Disastisfaction.

I’ll reply to the previous posts’ comments tomorrow. I’m TOO tired.