Oh Yeah, I Echo That Dream

Stumbling out of bed this afternoon at 1pm(Life is good like that during study break weeks), the headlines “Thin Dream” made me pore over the papers even before I had my strawberry milk and maggi mee combo.

1 in every 10 girls are suffering from an eating disorder eh? 9 in every 10 girls probably want to though, but haven’t the guts. They’d love to lose weight but they know better.

I’ve seen a junior back at school who went from just a little bit chubby to obviously anorexic. It wasn’t a pretty sight, but people have been saying that she’s looking much better since her anorexic phase a couple of years back. Maybe she’s one of those lucky ones who managed to stop in time before going all cachexic.

I grew up reading UK and Australian girly magazines well before the birth of Seventeen(Malaysia Edition) and it wasn’t until I was about 15 or 16 when I realized that hey, Cleo isn’t only for old women. Reading magazines like Girlfriend, Bliss, J-17, Dolly…it educated me a heck lot about anorexia and bulimia. You read about girls dying, girls recovering, things like BMI, binging and the likes. This was all before I sat for my PMR.(read: before i got fatter).

But it wasn’t until I did an English presentation on Anorexia and Bulimia with my classmate Lydia(silly girl went off to do medicine at IMU) back in year 1 that I started to really understand the difference between anorexia and bulimia. Despite looking at photos of girls who looked like skeletons with skin merely draped on, it didn’t really turn me off from wanting to be slimmer. Well, one thing’s for sure, I definitely don’t want to have two empty pouches hanging from my chest with my ribcage being more prominent than what was previously my boobs.

Sunken eyes would definitely NOT be a good look for me. Dah lah my eyes so small already. Later I become like Lord Voldemort. I’d have to take up Braille classes. Plus, I have a longish face. From childhood photos, it is evident that more meat around my face(like now) is definitely a better idea than having a skinny face. I could do without the double chin though.

Which makes me wonder if liposuction would be a good idea? I can’t be chewing gum all day to lose weight around my neck-jawline area. But you know, I’ve heard of people dying from liposuction complications. Eurgh.

It’s depressing to see your tummy covering 1/8 of your thighs. On bad days, the part where my legs begin is totally obscured. It makes me pound at my tummy in frustration, especially when I’m studying. And then I suck it in and a fold of fat plops out mid torso. Because of this, I have a fold mark that looks abit shiny because of the stretched skin. I used to show how scary my torso looks like to Chien back in A-levels.(in the toilets of course). And she would scream and say, “WHAT’S THAT LINE?” and to muka maintain abit even though I was very embarrassed, I proudly said, “That’s where the fat folds!”

“Babes, you’ve got a third boob there alright,” she would laugh and laugh. Aye, aye.

Things are so bad that I can’t even wear my bikini without having second thoughts. I mean I’ve never been extremely skinny since I bought my first pair of bikini but yet I had no qualms blubbering about in them(with tummy sucked in of course. Those who have seen me in bikinis, YES, that was tummy sucked in. T_T). These days, I get so self conscious that I keep telling myself to make a trip to Speedo and get myself a nice pair of tankinis. No one piece for me though. That’s the female equivalent of the male’s Speedo. All your flaws are seen in a more than obvious light. At least with bikini, naked skin is not as tell tale as lycra. Resorting to tankini would mean a chapter of my youth has closed. I don’t see how my body can get any sexier now that I’m crossing into my twenties. Isn’t it all downhill from here?

Exercise…right. I hate running. I really really hate running. Blame the school’s cross country marathon for killing my enthusiasm. I get stitches very easily. I can do sit ups and jump ropes though. But that gets very boring. Hence, the only form of exercise I truly enjoy is swimming. I think I lost quite a bit of weight back in 2004 when I could do 20 laps(up and down an Olympic sized pool) a day. That was also a time when an olympic sized swimming pool was only mere minutes away from my house.

Furthermore, I don’t want to tire myself out during this critical period. So I just lead this sedentary lifestyle of sitting in a chair for hours on end and sleeping at 6am, waking up for lunch and repeat process. It’s not a good idea to lose energy doing something else when all my energy should be channeled into my books. Contrary to most studying habits, I hardly snack. Maybe a milo packet drink here and a piece of Disgestive biscuit there. And of course, lunch and dinner. It’s not like I do any snacking in between. I’ve even taken it a step further by preventing myself from getting anything sugary(Coke, sweets, chocolates) or fattening(crisps and stuff). So this means that there are no snacks for me to binge on during my peckish moments. I need to stock up on fruits though. Sigh.

Yeah, before I deviate any further, I have to admit that on more than a few occasions, I’ve actually given thought to being a bulimic. You know, just sticking your finger down your throat and throwing up whatever you eat. However, my fear of vomiting is too great for me to even dare to take the first step into the world of bulimia. This is coming from the girl who only puked ONCE in the past ten years. This was when I had bacardi, vodka, wine, beer, tequila and all with an empty stomach safe for a tiny cupcake during a friend’s Merdeka party last year. I had the worst feeling ever when I went home and puked twice in the toilet bowl that night. I never ever want to drink alcohol again. Even when my family open bottles of wine or pass around a few cans of beer, I scrunch my face in disgust. Alcohol makes me feel nauseous. Even if it’s only a sip. Maybe because it’s like, conditioned learning? (You know, like the taste of alcohol=vomit later.)

So that’s good, that’s good. I hate alcohol and I don’t smoke.

Oh, if smoking doesn’t give you lung cancer and makes society frown on you, I’d probably resort to it to get my weight down. But as usual, it’s just another one of my silly thoughts. Nothing that I would ever dare attempt.

As for being an anorexic, I can never have the will power to stay away from my meals. I can’t skip meals because…well, because I get hungry. You know, like sometimes in the middle of the night, you feel hunger pangs and you hear this trickling squeaking noise, like liquid passing through a very tight channel at the back of your throat/head?  I wonder what that is. Gastroesophageal reflux perhaps? *shrugs* I can never allow myself to go hungry no matter how much I hate my excess weight.

I won’t say how much I weigh but I could do with about 10kgs less. I’m about 169cm. 5’6″ or 5’7″. I’m not too sure.

As for dieting, I’ll do that less carbo thing soon. After my exams. My dad said that it’s not wise to go on a diet during the time leading up to my finals. Why give your body extra stress? True, true.

If ever anyone dares to ask me if I am pregnant, I will curl up into a ball and have a good cry before launching into a very rigorous diet+exercise regime. 😛 Say only, don’t know whether can or not.

Here’s to being skin-nier! Not skinny, just a little bit less fat. Cheers! *clinks glass*

p/s: more updates soon.. i myself can’t believe how little I’m blogging. I thought I blog more during exams? This is too weird.