It’s 3am and I’m almost done packing for my entire month worth of holiday. I hate the packing process so much, ugh. Hamster cages are cleaned and ready for boarding. Clothes are selected. Edible leftovers are thrown away. Floors are swept. Ahahaha, just kidding about the last part.
I want to share with all of you something I wrote to this long time crush of mine when I was 13 years old! It was my second love letter to him after the one I sent to him in form 1 went unreplied. Found it in my box of letters/cards while clearing up and it was fun to walk down memory lane. When I made a photocopy of the letter, I KNEW that there would come a day where I would want to reread my silliness. So here’s a little something for all of you to read while I drive back to Subang on Saturday morning. Perhaps I’ll paste my juvenile poems(that were mostly written with a broken heart) next time too! Used to have a whole book full of sad love poems.
Looking back, it was a very nice experience for a young girl like me. Though this boy never reciprocated my feelings for him, he certainly stirred up emotions that were all firsts for me! First tears, first confessions, first stomach clench, first racing heartbeat, first shy glance, first walk home. The makings of a Sweet Valley Twins book.
With Chee Kiang, it’s a whole other world of firsts. 🙂 More important and meaningful firsts. 🙂 I’ve repeated our story over and over, so have something else for a change!
I don’t know I chose to write to you, instead of him. (not Chee Kiang, hahaha, he came into my life a year later.) Maybe because you’ve been in my heart longer than he has. Maybe because he turned me down faster than you could. I don’t know why I had the guts to write to you although I know I’ve tried once and never received a reply. Do you remember when that was? I do. 18 November 1999. 🙂
I don’t know if I still like you. I don’t know why I chose to like him. (god, I can’t remember who I was crushing on at that time. Getting old already..) Maybe I was bored? Maybe I wanted to know if I’m really unable to get any guy I want? I guess I found out.
What I’m gonna say and ask may have been repeated a dozen times. But I really want to tell you more since next year would be your last year in school. You said something to me the other day online that I’ve been dying to hear all along.
You said you missed me. You seemed so nice. You sounded exactly like I’ve imagined you to be. Just then. You were so sweet, so sincere. I guess I fell for the image of the person I put in my dreams. I fell for the man I’ve built in my imagination. You wouldn’t know how much I used to cry for you.
Till this day, I’m still kicking myself for not breaking down in front of your eyes the day you told me you were with another. I was wailing by the time you left. I remember you touched my shoulder when you left. I thought something was wrong with me to have you treat me that way.
I thought I was wrong from inside out. I thought you never wanted me to be part of your life. But right now, I feel very discontented when you walk pass me, while looking in another direction. In another way.
Maybe you really didn’t see me at all, or maybe you did. Who knows?
The first day I saw you, 16 Jan 1999. My 12th birthday!
The first time you talked to me, 8 October 1999. 8 means something to me since then. And that is why I chose it as my volleyball jersey number. I believe I was very lucky on that day. If you have really liked a person as much as I have, you would understand what I mean. You would understand better if you never got that person too.
Okay, I can admit to you that since the day you told me you were with Kshin, I was very very very sad. Eventually I got on with my life and I forgot all about you. It was until I told this other boy that I like him (ah yes, now I remember. the guy who got together with the girl that chee kiang likes. Which was how our story began.). And as you know, he didn’t feel the same.
When you broke my heart, for many nights I just laid in my bed and cried and cried. When no one was around.
These days, I jump back in bed to cry because what my heart always desires won’t be obtained. (seriously, Jolene lai at 13 years old. Please shoot yourself.). So If you can read my mind you would know that right now I’m in a daze whether to bring my heart back to you because of all the things that happened before. But if you could get yourself to make me yours, you would know that I will really, really want you a lot. (I think I meant to say ‘love’, but it was too big a word for me at that age.)
You may think that you don’t know me at all and that I have huge mood swings. But I know you! Things can change, cant it? 🙂 There’s always a turning back in whatever you do. You can fix wrong and you can make right. (sounds like a motivational book from here onwards….)
Sometimes I think you’re weird….sometimes I think you’re…..er….desirable….Ya…that!
I always see something special in the person I like though it is always oblivious to the people I share my stories with. Before you leave for college, I would like to complete a couple of my dreams. And that is up to you to fulfill.
I would love to have you walk me home a few more times before the year ends and at least write me a letter.
Sometimes I feel you think that I keep forcing you. Maybe I do. You tell me! (no kidding..)
This may sound stupid but I once visualized your wedding. I saw myself with a fake smile on and a broken heart inside. Am I scaring you? 🙂
If ever you would want me or ask me to be with you, I’d just float through the clouds.
I’d want you to treat me like a real woman. (13 only la wei wtf wtf wtf bulu pun takde!)
(okay, i’m leaving the next line out. My conservative 21 year old brain cannot take the next line. Damn geli wei.)
Have affection for me and a desire to be with me. I don’t want you to be neglecting me.
If you’re wondering, why the sudden spill of words: Our conversation the other day which consisted of words that I’ve been dying to hear….and my knack for not getting what my heart needs. I cried for him, I cried for you, I cried for me. I like crying. It makes me feel better. But I think a pour of emotion is better than crying alone hence this letter to you.
I want to share my tears with you~ I want you to know how I feel and felt.
I guess I’ll end the letter here. Can you promise me that the least you would do is to actually write back? Do what your heart think is right. Feel what this letter makes it feel. Go with the flow. Don’t break this one promise.
I’ll be waiting,
WAHAHAHHAA. Ok, now I’ll burn the stupid photocopied letter. I wonder where I learned to be so emo. 😀 And not to mention LAME. Oh my god. Okay, I hope you all had a good laugh at some so-pathetic-can-die parts and will still be able to look at me the same way as before. I’m very cool one now okay.