It’s 3am and I’m almost done packing for my entire month worth of holiday. I hate the packing process so much, ugh. Hamster cages are cleaned and ready for boarding. Clothes are selected. Edible leftovers are thrown away. Floors are swept. Ahahaha, just kidding about the last part.
I want to share with all of you something I wrote to this long time crush of mine when I was 13 years old! It was my second love letter to him after the one I sent to him in form 1 went unreplied. Found it in my box of letters/cards while clearing up and it was fun to walk down memory lane. When I made a photocopy of the letter, I KNEW that there would come a day where I would want to reread my silliness. So here’s a little something for all of you to read while I drive back to Subang on Saturday morning. Perhaps I’ll paste my juvenile poems(that were mostly written with a broken heart) next time too! Used to have a whole book full of sad love poems.
Looking back, it was a very nice experience for a young girl like me. Though this boy never reciprocated my feelings for him, he certainly stirred up emotions that were all firsts for me! First tears, first confessions, first stomach clench, first racing heartbeat, first shy glance, first walk home. The makings of a Sweet Valley Twins book.
With Chee Kiang, it’s a whole other world of firsts. 🙂 More important and meaningful firsts. 🙂 I’ve repeated our story over and over, so have something else for a change!
I don’t know I chose to write to you, instead of him. (not Chee Kiang, hahaha, he came into my life a year later.) Maybe because you’ve been in my heart longer than he has. Maybe because he turned me down faster than you could. I don’t know why I had the guts to write to you although I know I’ve tried once and never received a reply. Do you remember when that was? I do. 18 November 1999. 🙂
I don’t know if I still like you. I don’t know why I chose to like him. (god, I can’t remember who I was crushing on at that time. Getting old already..) Maybe I was bored? Maybe I wanted to know if I’m really unable to get any guy I want? I guess I found out.
What I’m gonna say and ask may have been repeated a dozen times. But I really want to tell you more since next year would be your last year in school. You said something to me the other day online that I’ve been dying to hear all along.
You said you missed me. You seemed so nice. You sounded exactly like I’ve imagined you to be. Just then. You were so sweet, so sincere. I guess I fell for the image of the person I put in my dreams. I fell for the man I’ve built in my imagination. You wouldn’t know how much I used to cry for you.
Till this day, I’m still kicking myself for not breaking down in front of your eyes the day you told me you were with another. I was wailing by the time you left. I remember you touched my shoulder when you left. I thought something was wrong with me to have you treat me that way.
I thought I was wrong from inside out. I thought you never wanted me to be part of your life. But right now, I feel very discontented when you walk pass me, while looking in another direction. In another way.
Maybe you really didn’t see me at all, or maybe you did. Who knows?
The first day I saw you, 16 Jan 1999. My 12th birthday!
The first time you talked to me, 8 October 1999. 8 means something to me since then. And that is why I chose it as my volleyball jersey number. I believe I was very lucky on that day. If you have really liked a person as much as I have, you would understand what I mean. You would understand better if you never got that person too.
Okay, I can admit to you that since the day you told me you were with Kshin, I was very very very sad. Eventually I got on with my life and I forgot all about you. It was until I told this other boy that I like him (ah yes, now I remember. the guy who got together with the girl that chee kiang likes. Which was how our story began.). And as you know, he didn’t feel the same.
When you broke my heart, for many nights I just laid in my bed and cried and cried. When no one was around.
These days, I jump back in bed to cry because what my heart always desires won’t be obtained. (seriously, Jolene lai at 13 years old. Please shoot yourself.). So If you can read my mind you would know that right now I’m in a daze whether to bring my heart back to you because of all the things that happened before. But if you could get yourself to make me yours, you would know that I will really, really want you a lot. (I think I meant to say ‘love’, but it was too big a word for me at that age.)
You may think that you don’t know me at all and that I have huge mood swings. But I know you! Things can change, cant it? 🙂 There’s always a turning back in whatever you do. You can fix wrong and you can make right. (sounds like a motivational book from here onwards….)
Sometimes I think you’re weird….sometimes I think you’re…..er….desirable….Ya…that!
I always see something special in the person I like though it is always oblivious to the people I share my stories with. Before you leave for college, I would like to complete a couple of my dreams. And that is up to you to fulfill.
I would love to have you walk me home a few more times before the year ends and at least write me a letter.
Sometimes I feel you think that I keep forcing you. Maybe I do. You tell me! (no kidding..)
This may sound stupid but I once visualized your wedding. I saw myself with a fake smile on and a broken heart inside. Am I scaring you? 🙂
If ever you would want me or ask me to be with you, I’d just float through the clouds.
I’d want you to treat me like a real woman. (13 only la wei wtf wtf wtf bulu pun takde!)
(okay, i’m leaving the next line out. My conservative 21 year old brain cannot take the next line. Damn geli wei.)
Have affection for me and a desire to be with me. I don’t want you to be neglecting me.
If you’re wondering, why the sudden spill of words: Our conversation the other day which consisted of words that I’ve been dying to hear….and my knack for not getting what my heart needs. I cried for him, I cried for you, I cried for me. I like crying. It makes me feel better. But I think a pour of emotion is better than crying alone hence this letter to you.
I want to share my tears with you~ I want you to know how I feel and felt.
I guess I’ll end the letter here. Can you promise me that the least you would do is to actually write back? Do what your heart think is right. Feel what this letter makes it feel. Go with the flow. Don’t break this one promise.
I’ll be waiting,
WAHAHAHHAA. Ok, now I’ll burn the stupid photocopied letter. I wonder where I learned to be so emo. 😀 And not to mention LAME. Oh my god. Okay, I hope you all had a good laugh at some so-pathetic-can-die parts and will still be able to look at me the same way as before. I’m very cool one now okay.
13 thoughts on “The Love Letter That I Wrote At 13”
Hey Jolene, thanks for sharing this love letter, nice! 🙂
jo: hehehe thank you for reading. 🙂
Whoa. You were very very expressive for a 13 year old. Haha.
jo: hahaha more like long winded
That is really an impressive letter to be written by a 13 years old gal! =)
Cheers for your courage! *curious to know what happens after that*
jo: hahaha.. no need to be curious, i’ll tell you now. We just stopped talking (not like we ever did much) and I got on with my life, got involved with my current bf. and here i am, still with my first boyfriend. 🙂
LOL. Thanks for sharing. Your letter reminded me of those young naive days and bittersweet memories. I wish I had half the courage you though. 🙂
jo: =) having crushes was tons of fun. All those imaginary dates and imaginary kisses. hahahaha.. part of the fun was confessing. you never know the outcome.
oredi so terror wan…..
better check on my little princess now….
esp with her on d internet, day in day out…..
jo: hahaha anytime now…
awwwww xD last part was really awwwww-fying!
and gosh this really takes me back to my first crush. how many years was it? 5 years back when i was 15 :/ geez i’m a slow one compared to you.
this is an entertaining entry 😛 keep it rolling. bookmarking your blog!
Jo: hehehehe.. some of us get hornier earlier;P
waaah!! the letter was very the emo hahahaaha
thanks for sharing ; )
jo: hahaha so emo right. very jijik leh
why are u so hamsap at that age? wtf. joking la.
but seriously, so… expressive. when i was 12, i was still reading/watching sailormoon, no time to think of writing love letters to boys yet. u are so lucky! can experience these feelings and yet, express it precisely as you want.
jo: HAHAHA>.. eh I hamsap earlier than that k. I’m the one who thought my classmates about how babies were made in standard3. hehehe eleh, where got lucky.
Sorry, it’s bringing memories for mine as well, except that mine was just that 3 years ago. Omg, so jakun la me, us, erm, me, thinking love meant foreverness. =.=
Too bad i can’t share it because mine was written in mandarin XP.
But yea, ended up with the same kind of heart broken. Only that his crush did not reciprocrate his. pity…lol.
jo: awww..yours was so recent?:) there, there.:) sure you’ve found something better already!
wow. u grow up damn fast right. at 13 ur love letter can pass for a 17 year old love letter.
at 13, i still think the word stupid is very very Bad. at 13, i buy majalah Gila-gila. at 13, i still play getah. the most i ever dared was to look at this hot guy frm a far (which later dated me 2 years later). lolz! why la u wasterd ur tears on him. nothing better to do ah?
jo: hahaha.. not good to grow up so fast. 🙂 ahahahhaah i still remember majalah gila-gila. the drawings damn ugly one. 🙂 and ur soo lucky! 🙂 lol like drama mah..wanna be like a hollywood/tvb movie ma
Hey, you’re That Diary Girl aren’t you?
jo: heheh yeah it’s me:) was my attempt at anonymous blogging. u know lah, the year was 2005. half the bloggers were anonymous. i’ve long abandoned it. 🙂 sporadically will be updated, but no mood for now. I never knew you read it. 😀
Heh! Nice one, and pretty good for 13. I wrote a love letter when I was 8 or 9 and it was horrible. It went something like:
I love you Sing Ling
Please love me
I’ll give you a pencil or a ruler if you love me
Lamer than an Ilama.
Jo: !! awwwww..you developed so early too. 🙂 that’s the biggest promise an 8 year old can give! must be really important pencils and rulers he had. 😛 no leh, not lame. I think it’s sweet. 🙂 Your mother should be proud.
Yeah, I read it. I think I might have commented once too.
But like you said, it was 2005. I read all the blogs that existed.
jo: ahh, the golden era of blogs. I used to read every single thing. But there were very few back then. Easier on the eyes too.