There Has To Be An Explanation

Posted on by Jolene

One of the traits I hate most about myself is my naivety. Joking crudely about 18sx things and not being able to accept certain things that adults do are two different things. I hate it how I am so underexposed and every time I hear it, I fall back in shock.

In this time an era, there’s no happily ever after, right? A man might swear that he only has one woman in his life but not all men can make do with only one woman in their lives. Of course people break up and therefore accumulate more men and women in their lives but I’m talking about people who already have someone in their lives and yet decide to bed a few more.

To curb your curiosity, this is not about me. Up till now, I can tell you that I’m lucky enough to have someone who persistently re-instills my trust in men whenever I hear about such things. But we both agreed that anything can happen to anyone of us so we just cherish each and every moment that we have and try to rectify the most minor mistakes in our relationship. I’m happy that way. This weekend, it’ll be three years that I’ve been with him.

Most long term relationships are like a bacteria growth curve. You have the lag phase where things start to heat up. Then you have the log phase where the both of you basically go out of your way to impress the other in the first few months. It’s also known as the “3 Months syndrome” that most girls miss. But I’m happy being in the stationary phase. This plateau zone of comfort. If I’m lucky, this linear line will be a long long one. In a way, I know I have a companion no matter what happens. The death phase is of course, when a relationship starts to fall apart. It could happen tomorrow, it could happen 40 years down the road. This is where being naive is a disadvantage.

But no matter how secure or how comfortable you are, there is always this fear that you subconsciously nurse. If this can happen to her, why can’t it happen to you? Maybe it won’t be with your current man. But what if you have the ill-fortune to be in a relationship with a person who cheats?

This is where the post begins. When a man cheats and when a woman cheats. It doesn’t matter which gender does it, someone ends up getting hurt. But what hurts me as a person the most is when I hear a man justify another man’s action by saying, “For guys, sex and love are two different entities.”

What the fuck?

I can’t describe to you how heavy my heart felt when I realized that this mindset is not uncommon among the people around me. I want to cry for all the women that have been hurt by this very belief. The tears don’t fall because it’s not happening to me. But this lump in my throat is a persistent one.

Some people cheat because their relationship is not working out. It’s gonna end up the same way, so in a way it is semi-justified.

But what about people who cheat and yet have no intentions of getting out of a relationship? In my head I paint a picture of a monster that is so horrible and it stays and eats me from inside out.

Maybe sex and love CAN be two different entities if you’re a bachelor who is happy playing the field. If you’re single and have a heart of steel, then YES, it is JUST sex.

But what if you have a girlfriend? Is sex and love STILL mutually exclusive? More and more faith flows out from me for each and every time I hear a man agree that sex and love are two different things.

You’d be surprised to know that it’s the most decent of guys who can tell me that they agree with this. Friends whom I thought were perfect gentlemen are the ones who tell me this.

But you know what? You might even be surprised to know that these people who cheat are actually really really good people if you are not involved with them romantically. Another guy friend told me, “A guy who fools around can also be a really really good guy to others.”

Imagine the blow it gave me when I found out a couple of really nice guys could actually do such a thing. All this time I thought they were super nice and are the type whom girls can easily bring home to impress their families. Of course I thought badly about these few guys whose deeds I’ve heard about.

But you know what’s strange? When I talk to these guys, I could not sense any ‘bastard vibes’ emanating from them. All those Ra Ra Ra Men Sucks discussion-fueled anger disappeared just like that. I’m back to accepting them as a person and enjoying their company once again and at the same time putting their shady misdeeds aside.

What scares me is that I’m starting to accept the fact that men can be total bastards to the women in their lives but they can still remain as Mr. Nice Guy to others. Very scary and very strange.

Again, I’m not going to be so naive to think that women can never do such things. It could happen to anybody. But allow me to use the examples that I’ve mostly seen.

A one night stand might mean nothing to a lot of people but if you’re that a lot of people’s girlfriend, it means a lot more to you. How is one screw worth it for the heartbreak that you will cause? Even if you’re “SO sorry I’ll never do it again”, how is it justified? Why must it be done at all? Why mend a relationship that you tore apart in the first place?

Another logical reason to not sleep around is of course the STD factor. If a person can bed you so easily, imagine the amount of rubbish he or she has had in the past. I don’t need religion to scare me, all I need is science. How do you feel if you’re the reason why your poor girlfriend/boyfriend contracted a sexually transmitted disease? Most STDs are long term diseases that make your genitals look like a war zone but nothing can be more heartbreaking than allowing someone to unwittingly contract the disease along with you. Don’t even get me started on HIV as that would seriously seriously suck.

I know there can be a reason to cheat and I slightly sympathize with people who have unfulfilling relationships and proceed to do so. But why do it to someone who is under the illusion that they are in a happy relationship? Please have a heart.

I’ve thought long and hard about wanting to password protect this post. But I’m interested to hear what others think. Do you agree that sex and love can be two different things when you’re in a relationship where nothing is going (too)wrong?

26 thoughts on “There Has To Be An Explanation”

  1. noooo! i hope tat the gentlemen i know in my life wudnt think like tat!! (so far there hasnt been any incidences of nice men i know thinking like tat – phew)

    and of coz, im a woman so naturally i think tat sex is connected to love blah blah blah..

    but guys, think abt it, if you really lurve your girlfriend/wife, is just a tiny fling with someone u don’t really know worth causing the heartache?

    if you love her, you won’t do this to her..

    jo: we can only hope for the best for ourselves:) that’s right. it’s more like, “i thought you love me..!”
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  2. No. Sure, to some, the line between the two may be fine to some but THE LINE IS THERE. I’ve always believed that people who cheat are just people who are lacking in character. Very. There is nothing to justify cheating. In ANY way. Be it sleeping with another when you’re in a relationship… or even EMOTIONAL cheating like getting a hug from another male when you and your man argue. To me, one’s just as bad as the other.

    I wrote this post about cheating hearts in September. You should have a read. You’ll know my sentiments about the matter clearly. Click here. It’s just one of the few. There’s another series I write with a friend and it’s called Operasi Train Jantan. We’re at Part 18 now. 18 posts dedicated to enlightening men about what we look for in them and helping girls see that what they expect of men isn’t too much.

    Nobody deserves a cheat.
    And a cheat deserves nobody.

    p/s: You write really well. I’ll definitely pay this site another visit. =)

    jo: hey there Pam! Yes.. though some people might perceive that there’s a grey area when it comes to cheating and being in a relationship. That’s a really really good article you wrote there…:) i agree with your views on living up to 80 and having loved someone before:) very very touching.

    and thank you for your compliments..:)

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  5. It’s sad to say that I’ve asked the question of sex and love being separate to many of my guy friends and they all agreed that guys have the ability to turn off their emotions to get their needs satisfied. Men are governed by two heads as they say.
    Cheating is plain selfish. I’ve had the misfortune of unknowingly being the other woman. Needless to say when I found out I was very angry. Angry for what he’s trying to pull off with me and angry with how he treated her. Why do guys need so many girls anyway?
    Evolutionary remnants of having to sow their wild oats to as many willing females?

    jo: Governed by two heads? that’s such a male thing to say! 🙁 cavemen boys should just get with the times.
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  7. hmm.. if the person is in a relationship.. i think those two come together.. but when a person is not.. those two are separate things? but i think it all depends on the individuals’ culture and stuff.. like i kenot accept it for myself doesn’t mean I don’t accept other people doing it..

    jo: same lorh. it’s easier to take it lightly if it’s not happening to you. i mean if you hear stories like these from the victims, u feel more sakit hati..but if ur talking to the person who cheats….somehow they can manage to make it sound not so bad.:D
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  8. Someone left me for another person.

    Relationships suck. Being single sucks too. wtf the fuck. they all rhyme.

    jo: there, there..*hugs* ;(
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  9. Life is all about choices and who are we to condemn other? With that said I do wish that these guys would actually value the sacredness of sex and realise that it is the ultimate act of love. What separates them from mere animals if all they care about is their own carnal desires?

    jo: some people will always be assholes, i guess. gotta live with that. 🙁
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  10. Very well written and you made your point clear there.

    No, I don’t believe in sex and love being two separate entities for guys. If you are in a relationship with someone, I believe that it means giving your whole to that person and only that person.
    Some single guys I have known, tend to think that its fine to just F**k a girl and run away, well that just speaks of their upbringing/culture/mindset.

    jo: thank you Dylan:) yes. it’s very disheartening to hear of such people 🙁

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  11. i still believe that sex is the most sacred thing you can give to your significant other. having said that, love isn’t to be taken lightly either. but heartbreaks happen too often.

    real men respect a woman for who she is and cherishes her. if he doesn’t, then he’s no mature man. he’s merely a boy. so a real man would know that a woman loves first and sex may come along eventually just because she loves her man. if he’s some dumb shit who cannot comprehend that, then he doesn’t deserve to have a girl to call his own.

    jo: wonder if such men feel remorse?
    =

  12. Of course there are girls and guys in this world that take sex lightly – but my own personal opinion and experience is that women, including myself, take it more seriously and match it with ‘deep emotional attachment, love, hoping it will be with the one and only partner’ etc. Til today, I don’t understand how people cheat. Do they think it is alright to be in a relationship with one that (probably) doesn’t involve sex, have sex a few times with an ex since that’s not happening at the other end, and act as if its the most acceptable thing ever, and even blame the ex for tempting him? Even between sex acts, the guy makes phone calls to his current girlfriend. Crazy. This happened to me – and til today, that has taught me the lesson, be cautious and not throw yourself completely trusting someone, and not to think your partner will be faithful, even if it is 2 years down the road, 10 years down the road. Is there such thing as ‘i love you so i will never do something like that..? I love you so much I will never leave you/cheat on you’ I don’t believe that anymore. Those are words for new first lovers. Being careful to protect your heart to some extent, that’s all we can do..

    People will be selfish for what they want – that is the reason they cheat, hurt people, even if they are in a happy relationship or whatever. Selfishness is the explanation. I hope nobody has to experience heartbreaks of any kind because i know it sux bad.. betrayal stinks of mushed shit and rotten eggs blended together. and you’re right drtan – relationships suck, being single sucks too. lol.

    jo: Selfishness eh? yeap you’re right. we must learn to protect ourselves. even if it might never happen to us, we should all learn from the mistakes and experiences of others’. 
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  13. Love is over rated….sex is not. Guys can love a girl just because of the sex…but then again thats not true love. Girls in general would have sex only when they love that person. Bottom line is…for guys when the other head takes over, the other just stops thinking.

    jo: Sex is not overrated? i thought when the other head takes over and the original one stops thinking is when he’s about to cum. isn’t that how orgasms are? i read it somewhere that the mind’s a blank when one orgasms. …..so it shouldn’t be for when he’s tempted into the bedroom by another.
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  14. I believe that society as a whole has made the issue of relationship and sex a whole lot confusing.. This is the debate between social moral values and biological instinct needs.

    Why men crave sex so much? Even being a guy, I do not know..but I know that wars are started because of this topic. Dominance and power is what every guy dreams of possessing (and of course Playboy bunny of the year in the sack)

    There are societies in Africa where they have ‘Sex-ers’ (people paid to have sex with virgins) cause they believe that they need to be experience in sex before marriage (so that the wedding night will be explosive!). Is that right or wrong? To the developed nations we say “!@#!$@#$#@?!!” but their society accepts it.. NOW, what is actually right or wrong?!

    I believe it all comes down to what your heart says. What you truly believe and if you follow any religious institutions, what do they have to say about this. Some claim sex to be such a dirty thing (and that you must have sex blindfolded) and some rejoices in sex being the greatest thing God ever created for human beings! *minus-ing the 9 months labor pain*

    As for guys out there who takes sex lightly (claiming sex and love are 2 different things) all I can say to you : GROW UP !! you are being very childish! JUST IMAGINE the girl you are with takes sex lightly, you will feel bloody angry right?! It’s our DOMINANCE and POWER urge that comes crawling out..

    WE ARE MALE BY BIRTH, BUT MAN BY CHOICE. remember that!

    Jin-Tian

    jo: that’s true.. the part about how society perceives things. but isn’t it human nature to feel anger, disappointment and jealousy? i know it’s also human nature to be horny. But because we’re humans, we’re given the ability to think our actions through.

    sigh.. glad that you know how to think that way. 🙂

  16. =( i wanna talk to you on msn but it’s 6am in msia now.
    guys suxxor to the maxxor la ’nuff said wtf. yeah i like to generalize, so what? ta kao ah wtf

    jo: hahaha.. so many bad men out there..it’s their fault why us girls generalize men these days.
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  17. never really felt that much affection before… but I guess these matters goes both ways aye.. Guys n Girls alike. Dayum girl, we need to get out n bitch more often… and I realise I don’t have your msn. Mail me ur msn!

    jo: hehe… yeah, it’s an issue that has been bothering me. 🙂 okay i will. 
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  18. You know a random thought.

    Read it on the papers today that technology is so advance that it can remove mouses’ fear towards cats. Do you think it’d work on men/women not to cheat? haha! god. i just made myself laugh. -_-

    jo: if only, babes. if only. 🙁
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  19. i agree with pamsong. people who cheat are just weak character-wise. temptations are abound in our daily lives, but there’s a difference between those who give in to it, and those who stay true to their principles. i also never understood how people can cheat. how can they knowingly have sex with someone else and then turn around and tell the gf “i love you blablabla”? do they even have a conscience?! even being in a bad/failing relationship is not justified, because you should break up first before entangling yourself with another person. all the heartache and pain caused by their selfish act could so easily be averted if only they controlled their lust. just go and masturbate or somethingla. haih.

    as for those in a relationship and yet say sex and love are two separate things…i better not meet any one of those ppl in my life, or else they’ll get an earful from me 😛 if they can compartmentalise the issue so coldly, then i guess they have never truly been in love before. they would never understand the fulfilment of having sex with the person you’re madly in love with. and if they were in love in the first place (as they claim), they would never contemplate hurting the other party by giving lame justifications like this to excuse their bastardly ways.

    emotional cheating is even worse. don’t even get me started on this :/

    jo: cheating of any kind… they all suck. 🙁 but cheating makes the other half feel like they are rubbish..
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  20. Just blog hopping and found your entry interesting. Decided to leave some comments.
    Logical view:
    Sex, Love and Cheating. Hmmmm…. they are all 3 different things. The problem here is the cheating. Nobody likes to be cheated, it gets worst when the stake is higher. We can close an eye if a person cheats us RM1. Would you close an eye if a person cheat you RM1,000,000 ? Same thing goes to sex and love, how much do you value it? That’s how bad the cheating would hurt. It means nothing to those that don’t value it.

    Emotional view:
    The principle of fairness has been broken. How can we prevent people from cheating in the name of love? How come? Why? There can be endless debate about this.

    As much as we would like to please our soul by having a ‘perfect’ society. A place where people can be trusted and true love exist. It just doesn’t happen always. I’m not saying there are no good people out there. It’s just jungle out there, all type of people exist. Ourselves are imperfect either. I’ve seen people doing things they themself can’t believe they did.
    So what does this mean ?
    It’s just life…

    jo: so okay, let’s say RM1 is the analogy for hanging out together with another girl. It’s nothing, they could be friends. Rm1 only mah, won’t matter. But the full package is akin to losing RM1,000,000.

    At the end of the day, we’re all just selfish individuals and when our heart breaks it’s because we imagine ourselves to be suffering the same fate. Simple.

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  22. I must say I’d agree with luzzio *points to comment above*

    Even though I never cheated, I’ve had funny (go figure) thoughts about other girls when I was dating my ex.

    You could probably say that its natural to have such thoughts, and I didn’t do it so I was fine.

    Ask luzzio to explain mens rea to you.

    jo: it’s no different from a healthy bout of boy oggling on a nice sunny day.:) Just like shopping. Eye candies. No harm done. as long as you know where and who you truly belong to, then it’s all fine.:)
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  23. …mens rea means ‘bad intention’ when in the act of doing something illegal, dr. tan, since you didn’t do anything even when with your ex the term mens rea is irrelevant.

    jo: ooooh..:D ada faham!
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  24. mm.. I believe that sex, should be born out of love. It’s not just ‘sex’ but should be out of love. Maybe I’m just old fashioned, but what the heck.. I’m entitled to my own opinion right?

    Oh.. yeah.. It is disappointing that people take so lightly the subject of cheating. It’s so common now that it’s ridiculous. How is it that such a heinous act has become so acceptable? Love and sex are not 2 different entities.. they should be one.

    and if the relationship is really that bad and not going to work. then the person should take the initiative to break up first before actually getting together with another. I understand… sometimes, people fall out of love and in love with another person. At least have the bloody decency to tell the person that they currently are having a relationship with before doing anything with the 3rd party. No one can fault u then for being honest.

    jo: yeah, it’s the IDEA of it being a common thing that disgusts me. exactly, why hold on to something that you don’t treasure anymore? i can never understand.. 
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  25. I disagree that love and sex are two different things for people who are in a relationship, not to mention, marriage. And yes, I despise people who cheat.

    Then again when I think about it, there must be a reason why that person cheats in the first place which unfortunately we all like to assume the solid reason is, men think with their head down there. Unfortunately, different people live in different situations and there are different factors that chip in.

    Maybe it’s the fault of the person who cheats? Maybe a worse case scenario which also happens quite often, is the cheater’s better half?I cheated once, and not proud of it.

    I was sexually active for some period and I met a girl who is quite interesting, so I decided to devote myself to her and change myself for the greater good. She accepted and we’ve been together for two years.

    Sounds great, isn’t?

    But how would you feel when your partner never trusted you? Even when you’re out with your mum?

    There are many reasons why people cheat.

    Unfortunately, we humans just like to assume the reason without putting ourselves in that situation.

    I guess all of you are people with good morals.

    jo: and that’s because you grew to love a girl:) and therefore became the devoted man that you are today. 🙂 Very admirable.
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